Why I Have High Blood Pressure

The Scoop!

2008-09-20T08:18:00.002-05:00

We have it! ROYTERS is really taking off with all the posts we've done about Sarah Palin, Bia and Branca Feres, and now Megan Fox being a lesbian. You should visit there regularly. I apologize for slowing down the posting lately, but I've been busy.

You Must Obey

2008-08-30T17:14:00.002-05:00

And visit my new blog. Also, ROYTERS has done some great reporting recently. Here's the scoop on Sarah Palin, Michael Phelps' gold medals, and Bia and Branca Feres.

And It Continues

2008-07-08T11:17:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to let you know that my new blog, located here, is going strong. ROYTERS is also rocking it hard as its own blog.

The World Keeps Turning

2008-06-22T07:48:00.000-05:00

I want you all to know that ROYTERS has become its own blog. Yes, that’s right, there is now a ROYTERS blog. It is over at Wordpress and I have a full staff of crack~~heads~~ journalists ~~acting like they are~~ working hard to bring you the news ~~we feel like making up~~. I will be posting my ROYTERS pieces here (by which I mean the new blog) and at the new blog since this is where it all began, but all the other posts from the other contributors will be posted at the ROYTERS blog. I should have my first post finished shortly and up in the next day or so. Come on over to the new blog, and bring your friends ~~dead or alive~~.

My New Blog Is Awesome

2008-05-29T14:46:00.001-05:00

Come learn how Clint Eastwood is a racist, visit my new blog.

AngryMan Is Still Around

2008-04-16T15:50:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to remind you all that I am still posting regularly at my new blog. Please come on over to and check it out. ROYTERS is still rocking it hard.

Please, Please Visit My New Blog!!!

2008-03-24T18:47:00.002-05:00

Come on over to the new blog, located here. Learn all about my ankle problems.

Come On Over

2008-02-08T10:18:00.000-05:00

To my new blog!
Yes, yes, the same old lovable AngryMan is still around and still raising cane. Come over to the new blog, located here, and read about all the things that make me angry. Tom Waits Thursdays are still going strong!

Just A Reminder

2007-12-05T08:01:00.001-05:00

Guys, please remember that I'm over at The Third-Option now. My new blog is located here. Please come on over, there's lots of good (sort of) stuff waiting for you.

Piss Ass Shit Bitch Fuck

2007-11-30T17:37:00.001-05:00

UPDATE:
I re-did the post, and it's up now. Go over to the new blog, located here, and let me know what you think. I'm kicking it off with a nod to my long-time readers with a ROYTERS article. It's been a while, but I think it's time that I start bringing ROYTERS back on a regular basis. Go over, take a look, and let me know what you think. If all goes well, I'll be moving over there shortly. This blog will remain and I'll post occasionally to tell people to go to the new site. ENJOY!!!

Well, I was already to send you all over to the new site, but now it's doing this thing where it deletes drafts. It doesn't delete them early on in the writing stage, no, it waits until after I finish it and I'm all ready to post it. As a result, I'm pushing back the unveiling of the new site. Fuck it all to hell, I was about ready to start it up, too. Fuck Wordpress.

Get It To-Fucking-Gether, People!

2007-11-30T07:42:00.000-05:00

This happened yesterday, but I didn't get a chance to post it until today. I don't apologize for the confusion in present and past tense, though, fuckers.

Today I get stopped by a friend of mine who asks me the following:
"Hey, are there any empty seats around you in CBA (law school class)?"
What? Are you fucking kidding me? You're asking if there are any empty seats now? It's almost Dec., idiot. You should have looked into this during AUGUST when classes started up. Now, I'm sure that some of you are saying that maybe he just wants to relocate and that I shouldn't be so harsh. Tough shit, I'm going to be. Why the fuck would you waste time trying to fight for a new seat and disrupt where everyone has been sitting for the last SEVERAL MONTHS when we have FOUR CLASSES left? Tough it out, asswipe.

Oh, Mom, if you're reading this, please stop here. The next part is pretty disgusting and you won't find it funny unless you're drunk. I'll put in a nice picture to let you leave on a happy thought. Also, you probably don't want to read the comments.

To continue my CBA theme, something interesting happened in class today. In a fit of boredom I tried to look out the window to see if anything remotely entertaining was happening. This is difficult for me to do in CBA because of where I sit. I basically have to look at 45 degree angle to my left, which can be slightly uncomfortable. While looking that way I noticed this one young woman yawning.
Her mouth was huge, cavernous, an abyss almost. I mean, it opened up so wide that all I could think to myself was, "I bet she can fit a lot of dicks in there." Then I realized that I probably think something similar to that whenever I see a woman yawning. Is there something wrong with me for thinking that? Should I have asked her if she ever tried to fit multiple dicks in her mouth? Not that I want to have a chick sucking me off while she has other dicks in her mouth or anything, but it occurred to me that a chick like that was probably very popular in undergrad. All that extra mouth flying around, she's bound to be able to wrap it around a cock pretty well.
And I'm out, bitches.

P.S. WTF is this?

Tom Waits on Some Show Called Night Flight

2007-11-29T07:31:00.001-05:00

This is an interesting little profile of Tom Waits. It has several of his songs from his 80s periods, but just parts of them, not the whole shebang. Give it a watch, his answers to the interview questions are hysterical.
Oh, I'm making progress over at Wordpress!

Big News?

2007-11-27T19:45:00.000-05:00

I may be moving over to The Third Option. I've been having some problems with Blogger lately and I think it may be time for a change. The Third Option set me up with a Wordpress account to try things out and see if I like it. I'm going to be playing with it for a while and I'll let you know if I switch or not. I'm leaning towards making the switch right now, and possibly moving to Minnesota as someone may go out of their way to make Wifey and I fully sated were we to move, but I have to adjust to Wordpress before any such decisions can be made. While I'm doing that, I'll leave you with some poetry by W.B. Yeats. I'll still be posting, but it may be less frequently while I experiment. I'll tell you about it once I make a decision. Here's the poetry:

After Long Silence

Speech after long silence; it is right,
All other lovers being estranged or dead,
Unfriendly lamplight hid under its shade,
The curtains drawn upon unfriendly night,
That we descant and yet again descant,
Upon the supreme theme of Art and Song:
Bodily decrepitude is wisdom; young
We loved each other and were ignorant.

Parting

He. Dear, I must be gone
While night Shuts the eyes
Of the household spies;
That song announces dawn.

She. No, night's bird and love's
Bids all true lovers rest,
While his loud song reproves
The murderous stealth of day.

He. Daylight already flies
From mountain crest to crest

She. That light is from the moon.

He. That bird . . .

She. Let him sing on,
I offer to love's play
My dark declivities.

Three Things

'O cruel Death, give three things back;'
Sang a bone upon the shore;
'A child found all a child can lack,
Whether of pleasure or of rest,
Upon the abundance of my breast':
A bone wave-whitened and dried in the wind.

'Three dear things that women know,'
Sang a bone upon the shore;
'A man if I but held him so
When my body was alive
Found all the pleasure that life gave':
A bone wave-whitened and dried in the wind.

'The third thing that I think of yet,'
Sang a bone upon the shore;
'Is that morning when I met
Face to face my rightful man
And did after such stretch and yawn':
A bone wave-whitened and dried in the wind.

Thanks For Trying, Ted

2007-11-26T15:25:00.000-05:00

UPDATE:
Here's a good local article on Roof's bullshit firing that lays out the internal problems at the school. It makes veiled points that Alleva doesn't get it. Please read it, I like Roof's comment about academic standards towards the end.

I try to limit my posting about sports related stuff. I find that it's not accessible to most of my readers and I also use the blog for stuff that I can't necessarily talk about in other forums, and it's very easy to strike up a sports conversation. That's why I usually harass Malach or Murk with sports stuff over at DMDSS, but don't get into much substantive commentary over here.
Regardless of that, I'm pretty bummed that Duke fired its football coach, Ted Roof. Sure, 6-45 is a shitty record to compile over 4.5 years as head coach. But I look at it another way, it's freaking amazing that he got 6 wins. Duke has had a lousy program for about thirty years now. Outside of Steve Spurrier, Duke has done nothing since 1989 aside from losing in a bowl game in 1995. Further, Duke is at the bottom of the pack when it comes to paying its coaches, its facilities are poor, although they have improved greatly during Roof's tenure as head coach, and Duke has a stadium that is better suited to a high school football program than an ACC team. And that's just the start of the list, I haven't even started talking about how Duke's high academic standards effectively prevent it from competing with other schools (yes, Duke still cares about academics and consistently has the highest graduation rate in college football).
Despite all of this, Roof put together stellar recruiting class after stellar recruiting class. While Duke lost a lot of games and finished 1-11 this year, it was competitive in most every game for the first time in a long, long time. The team self-destructed a lot, but that happens when you are forced to play young kids. Unlike most programs that have built up a wall of red-shirts who can play after a season or two on the sideline, Duke had not done so. The pressure to win quickly and injury problems caused Duke to throw its players in too early. Roof tried to prevent that, but ended up having to play true freshmen. The young kids made mistakes, like against Notre Dame, and it hurt. Duke's kicker, who is very young, is the perfect example of why you don't play young kids, they screw up. The kicker did that a lot, missing several chip-shots that could have given Duke, at least, two more wins.
Now, what's the big deal with playing young kids? Sounds like Roof chose to do that and it backfired, right? Why couldn't Duke just red-shirt and play older kids? Because that takes a few years. It takes time to build up some talented underclassmen who don't have to step in immediately, you have to have people who have been with the program for four to five years to do that, and Duke had very few. It gets especially problematic to red-shirt when the injury bug hits, and Duke somehow avoided that this season. Duke was moving towards finally getting kids red-shirted this season and next season looked like it would be a competitive one, but Duke lost patience and fired Roof.
I don't understand it. Roof was a young guy, a very young guy who could bring stability to a troubled program (by the way, he will get another shot somewhere some day and he will do well). The team was a lot better this season than last season, but he gets fired anyway. Why? What will this accomplish? How many people will line up to work at a school like this? An experienced coach won't because he'll have a shot at a school with a real stadium, facilities, money, and a chance to win. If a young coach does gamble and give Duke a shot, both he and Duke will have the same problems that it had under Roof and his god-awful predecessor, Carl Franks (the poster-child for idiocy). Why not give Roof one more season? He'd be returning a lot of talented players who would now have two years under their belt and a full season under the new offensive coordinator and he'd have another good recruiting class coming in that he could predominately red-shirt.
I understand that Duke wants to win now, who doesn't? But you have to be realistic. Duke has handicapped its program to such a degree that going from pathetic to perennial ACC contender in a year or two is just not possible. It will take five or more years just to reach the competitive level (winning between four and seven games a year), and then another five just to get close to being able to run with Virginia Teach, Boston College, and Florida or Miami. Don't believe me? Just look at how Clemson has done under Tommy Bowden, they've gone to a lot of bowl games, but they haven't become a perennial contender. How's NC State been doing lately? What about Al Groh and Virginia? Turn-arounds don't happen instantly at programs with a lot of problems, they take a lot of time. NC State hasn't really been a football school and it will take time to change that. Virginia struggles with academic issues and interest issues (like Duke) and has had a hard time over the last decade putting together a consistent winner. And Chan Gailey, who was recently let go by Georgia Teach, experienced the same problems. Tough academic standards (by which I mean standards that are higher than everyone else's) and poor finances will hurt your program and keep you from being a consistent winner.
For those Duke fans out there who think that getting rid of Ted Roof and bringing in a new guy will result in nothing but a string of 8-3 to 10-1 seasons, you're fooling yourself. Duke may well have a great first season under a new coach, like when Fred Goldsmith took over for Barry Wilson, but don't count on much after that. Duke football will not change until the school gets off its ass and makes some serious changes relating to how it treats its football program. Ted Roof didn't cause Duke to struggle, Duke's poor decisions regarding finances and facilities did. Joe Alleva, the Athletic Director, should be blaming himself, not serving up Ted Roof as a sacrificial lamb.
Thanks, Ted, for giving it your best. Best of luck in the future.

I Hate School

2007-11-25T07:51:00.000-05:00

With the Thanksgiving Break winding down, I have to start doing school work again. It's terrible. Sitting down and outlining all my notes is just fucking awful. Let me explain what is involved with outlining (as if it needs any real explanation, but I'll do it anyway). I sit in front of my computer with my handwritten notes and pick out what's most important and type that up into my outline. Isn't that fun? Wait, it gets more fun. After I'm done with the entire semester of notes, I review the outline to make sure that it makes sense and that my phrasing is correct and that I wrote down the right rules and all of that. See, I told you it gets more fun! And it gets even more fun after that. Do you think that you can hold yourself together waiting to find out how much more exciting it will get? If you can, you are a better man than I! Once the exam rolls around, I get together with other students and we all go over our outlines and study together and make additional changes to our outlines. Talk about a lot of fun, huh?
Even more fun than all of that, I still have two weeks worth of classes left and then exams start up. So, I get to get up early, read for class, review for class, sit through class, take notes in class, and all of that fun stuff! Goddamn, I hate school. Why exactly am I doing this? Why do I keep sitting through this horrendous thing that is school? What could possibly keep me going through it despite its inherently terrible nature? Oh, I remember, it's so I can trade in Wifey for a younger model as soon as I get my law degree. Keep the eyes on the prize, AngryMan, keep the eyes on the prize.

His Dark Materials

2007-11-24T07:13:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday night, I finished The Amber Spyglass, the final installment of the His Dark Materials Trilogy. I'll tell you, that was the one of the best fantasy series that I have ever read. I think that it will, without question, go down as this generation's The Lord of the Rings. However, I think that His Dark Materials is likely to have a more far-reaching effect given its commentary on organized religion and religion in general. I hope that people teach it in religious studies classes as the Archbishop of Canterbury suggested. There is a very strong religious commentary here that is important and enlightening, even if you already agree with Philip Pullman's message. He puts together a critique of organized religion that is forceful, thoughtful, and very much worth reading. I mean, if someone is trying to ban it, it probably should be required reading.
The three novels, The Golden Compass, The Subtle Knife, and The Amber Spyglass, require a lot of unpacking to get the whole message. While the overall theme is pretty simple and straightforward, there is still a lot to think about and try to comprehend, specifically the complexities of the rules governing interaction between the different worlds. At some point I'll need to re-read all three of these to try and get my head around some of the more complicated/confusing parts of the novels, but I'm not sure when I'll do that. I may do that this summer, I'm not sure. I highly recommend all three of these books to everyone. The first one is more-or-less for young adults, but The Subtle Knife and The Amber Spyglass are more adult.
I should probably take the time to go into more detail about what I thought about Pullman's view on the corrupting influence of bureaucracy on religion and how organized religion exists solely to control others, but I don't want to give too much away. For those of you who have not yet read The Golden Compass, you should pick it up and give it a try.
Also, if you have read all of the trilogy, I'm sure you'll be excited to know that another chapter in Lyra's life is on the way. And has anyone read Lyra's Oxford? I'm thinking of adding it to my list of books to read.
Oh, and Cissy, I think I know what part of The Amber Spyglass made you cry. I'm guessing that it had something to do with Lyra and Will trying to get on the boat to get to the land of the dead.

We're The Coffee And Cigarettes Generation

2007-11-22T07:31:00.001-05:00

This is a great way to celebrate Turkey Day, Tom Waits, Iggy Pop, and Jim Jarmusch. Enjoy.

My Weekend (Part II)

2007-11-21T07:00:00.000-05:00

This is the last post about my weekend. The football game, as you know, was a blast. Best game I've ever been to. The rest of the time in Baltimore was pretty great. We walked around the Inner Harbor area most of the time. We didn't do much on Saturday because we were pretty worn out from playing with our little nephew most of the day. We also went to the Edward Hopper exhibit in DC with Wifey's sister and husband (and their baby, our nephew). I made sure that we made it to the tacky gift shop and bought a small reproduction of this painting:
For dinner on Saturday, we found this little pizza place just down the street from our B&B and had a great pizza. Some serious Italian-looking guys ran the place and made some damned great food. After that we just relaxed in our hotel and she fell asleep while we were watching TV/reading. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines came on and I watched it and went to sleep after it was over.
The next morning we got up early and walked all over Federal Hill
and the Inner Harbor.
We stopped by a nearby Best Buy to use a gift card that we happened to have with us and ended up with a 2GB memory card for $20. It was much needed as our current camera could only hold 10 photos at a time. Wifey wondered why it was so cheap when she bought it . . . The Inner Harbor had a bunch of touristy crap, as is evidenced by this photo:
Guess which one of those three we graced with our presence? OK, it was the Barnes & Noble. It's got a pretty cool set up, two stories and a shit-ton of great books. Also, the stores has escalators, so it was a win-win-WIN. After that we went to the game, which was awesome.
After the game, we came back and tried to decide where to go eat dinner. The owners of the B&B had a list of good places in a guide in our room, so we headed down to Cross Street to find one of the taverns they recommended. While on the way, I saw this and realized that we had to eat there in order to survive Cash's revolution. It was a fucking fantastic place. All the beers are dog-themed, Wifey got a Peach Dog and I got a Black Dog. You got two eight-ounce beers per round for a total of about $3. We ordered yet another pizza and it was really, really good. The employees in the bar were really nice and predominately female. The two bartenders downstairs said hello to us in real happy tones when we came in, and our waitress asked us if we knew who won the Ravens game and listened to us ramble about how awesome it was for about ten minutes. She was really nice and the pizza and beer hardly made a chip in our wallet, $15 total ($20 with tip). After that, we went back to the B&B and just relaxed. We read most of the time, but I caught a little bit of I, Robot which surprised me. It wasn't great or anything, but it was a lot better than what I thought it would be. I'm going to rent it and give it a full viewing to see what I think about it. Also, we took a pic of this bar just to make you Arrested Development fans happy.The next morning we headed off and went back to our crappy lives.
Oh, so you're probably waiting for the sex photos. Sorry, I didn't take any, although I had ample opportunity. SCORE!

My Weekend

2007-11-19T15:38:00.001-05:00

Unlike some people who take forever to tell you about the trip that they went on, I'm going to do it in one post (actually two, I'll do the football game first and then some of the other stuff). Here is where Wifey and I went over the weekend. Oh, I apologize for some of the pics as the game went on, it got really cold and hard to keep from shivering. Wifey and I were sitting in between what turned into two wind tunnels at the stadium, but even despite that, it was a great game and Wifey and I had a fantastic time. Ravens fans are great fans and must say that my dislike for Ray Lewis (which is primarily due to his obnoxious pregame dance) lessened considerably because of the great Ravens fans:
This pic is of what turned into a catch that should have been overturned and left the Browns with a long field goal. However, the replay booth malfunctioned and the result was a third down conversion and eventually a field goal for the Browns. There were a lot of makeup calls after that to push the Browns back and back (false starts, repeatedly). Really ridiculous, but that kind of shit happens all the time in the NFL. The infamous "tuck" call was a makeup for a missed penalty on the Raiders earlier (in my mind anyway). I don't remember what the penalty was that the officials missed, but it was a holding or an interference or something that benefited the Raiders, so it was a fair makeup. This was the field goal that tied the game and sent it into overtime. The officials called it a miss after it hit the left post, bounced off of the support and came back to land in front of the goal. The Ravens went to the locker room thinking that they had won the game and people started to leave. Wifey and I started leaving but then we noticed that the Browns were having a heated conversation with the officials by the goal. Years of watching my teams get shafted taught me to go and sit down in our seats and wait to see what happened. I watched Brian Billick very carefully and quickly realized that he was pissed which meant that they were going to reverse the call and count it. That was the right call in the end and it was good to see the officials take the time to get it right. The timing was odd, though, because the teams did their prayer at the 50 yard-line; it felt like the game was over but it kept going anyway.
Overtime started up and the Browns drove it down the field to win, converting a long pass to Kellen Winslow on 3rd and 10 to keep the drive going and set up the game-winning field goal. A great time had by Wifey and I.

Must Finish . . . BOOK!

2007-11-16T07:32:00.000-05:00

I'm over half way through The Amber Spyglass and I'm loving every minute of it. I'm going to take some time to hide away and finish it, so I'll be away from the blog for a while. I can guarantee you that this has nothing whatsoever to do with C.Rag and her vacation. Nothing at all, I swear. Here's yet another Yeats poem to keep you company while I'm gone, it's called "Lines Written In Dejection":

When have I last looked on
The round green eyes and the long wavering bodies
Of the dark leopards of the moon?
All the wild witches, those most noble ladies,
For all their broom-sticks and their tears,
Their angry tears, are gone.
The holy centaurs of the hills are banished;
I have nothing but the harsh sun;
Heroic mother moon has vanished,
And now that I have come to fifty years
I must endure the timid sun.

Burma Shave

2007-11-15T07:27:00.001-05:00

This is, in my humble opinion, an overlooked Tom Waits song. It's called "Burma Shave" and it's from the album "Foreign Affairs". It's just an interesting tale about two drifting souls who come across each other (with the usual Tom Waits ending). This interview aired on the CBC, and you can see the classy digs that Tom Waits was in at the time.

Mark Schlereth Returns

2007-11-14T07:50:00.000-05:00

You all probably don't remember when Malach and his old friend Mark Schlereth got into a fight. It upset Stink a great deal and he wrote an op-ed and had me post it on the blog. Well, Schlereth is back and he is still longing for Malach's gentle caress. Here is his latest writing.

I'm not too sure why ESPN has me as an analyst. It certainly cannot be for my fantasy football skills. It turns out that I really suck at picking good fantasy players. I picked nothing but offensive linemen for my team this year and it is NOT going well. Not only have I failed to win a week, but I haven't even got a point yet. NOT ONE STINKING POINT! I don't understand the emphasis on touchdowns in fantasy football. It seems like fantasy football should be about fantasy, like my fantasy of being next to a bunch of stinky, smelly, large men all jumping on top of each other and grabbing at beans and franks. What better fantasy could there be than that? I just don't understand it at all. But if you're going to have a fantasy game based on what really happens during a game (which means that it's not really fantasy . . .), then shouldn't you recognize everything? Shouldn't you acknowledge picking up blocking assignments or falling on a loose ball so your team keeps possession? What about slowing down a blitzing linebacker just long enough to allow your quarterback to make a play? What about copping a feel on a guy who just got tackled and is at the bottom of the pile? Shouldn't we acknowledge everything that goes into a game?
Ah, Malach, do you recall when we used to play grab-ass while running through the cornfields of Nebraska? Do you remember all the time we spent playing "cornhole" with real corncobs? Do you remember those times? Malach, when will we stop fighting, when will we be friendly again? In an attempt to get you back, I'm going to include this Yeats poem that Jedi MacFan sent to me to help console me during my dark hours alone without you. Thank you, Jedi, for giving me hope (and for letting me stick my frank into your bun). The poem is called "A Last Confession":

What lively lad most pleasured me
Of all that with me lay?
I answered that I gave my soul
And loved in misery,
But had great pleasure with a lad
That I loved bodily.

Flinging from his arms I laughed
To think his passion such
He fancied that I gave a soul
Did but our bodies touch,
And laughed upon his breast to think
Beast gave beast as much.

I gave what other women gave
That stepped out of their clothes.
But when this soul, its body off,
Naked to naked goes,
He it has found shall find therein
What none other knows,

And gives his own and take his own
And rule in his own right;
And though it loved in misery
Close and cling so tight,
There's not a bird of day that dare
Extinguish that delight.

I know that this was written from a female's point of view, but I like to think of it as man on man. I love you, Malach.

Faithfully yours,

Mark Schlereth

OK, Malach, I'm sorry, but he's an old friend and he really wanted me to put this one on the blog for him.

I Can't Believe It, But I'm Reading Poetry

2007-11-13T07:50:00.000-05:00

Before I get started, go check out the following Third Option Monster ads. Here's the first one, and here's the second one. GO NOW OR I WILL KILL YOU!!!

Since I'm one hell of an angry dude, it should come as no surprise that I don't read much poetry. Frankly, I think poetry is totally lame and the people who write it are even lamer. In fact, "poets" are total zeros who should spend most of their time doing something productive and useful. With that being said, there are two exceptions to my personal "Poets Are Lame" rule. The first is Robert Frost and the second is John Donne. However, I may be adding a third exception to that list, and that exception would by W.B. Yeats.
I first got into Yeats when I was in college. I was taking a Post-Cold War American History class and wrote a paper on Gene McCarthy. McCarthy was a Senator from Minnesota who led a successful campaign to unseat President Johnson in 1968. Unfortunately, Bobby Kennedy got in the race after New Hampshire and derailed McCarthy's campaign. Even worse, McCarthy was never the same after Bobby got shot. While Gene hated Bobby, he just couldn't mentally or emotionally handle the shock of yet another political assassination. After Bobby was killed, he remarked something along the lines of "There's got to be a better way. Maybe we should have Congress choose the President." Gene's campaign fizzled and Hubert Humphrey got the nomination instead. The day after the election, when Nixon was declared the victor, McCarthy was in his office reading a book of Yeats' poetry (Gene was a part-time poet and wrote a poetry book or two).
My natural curiosity got the best of me and I started to read some of Yeats' work and was very impressed. When over at a friend's last Saturday I saw a huge volume of Yeats' poems and borrowed it. I've started reading selected poems at night before I go to sleep. They're as good as I remember and I think that I need to share them with you all, my loyal readers who are at my command. In honor of the Veterans' Day poem that Colonel Colonel put up, here's a good one that I came across Sunday night. It's called "On Being Asked for a War Poem":

I think it better that in times like these
A poet keep his mouth shut, for in truth
We have no gift to set a statesman right;
He has had enough of meddling who can please
A young girl in the indolence of her youth,
Or an old man upon a winter's night.

I'll keep posting good ones that I come across. That ought to keep Polanski happy.

My Life Has Truly Begun

2007-11-12T07:41:00.000-05:00

Last Friday afternoon, my life began anew. All the pain and misery of my former life floated away into the past and the world became a happy place for the first time in my memory. Why did this happen? What could have possibly occurred to make such a wonderful transformation in my life? I have two simple words for you, "The General".
What is The General you ask? More like what isn't The General, morons. The General is that one bit of perfection that humanity has striven for its entire existence. The General makes the Renaissance, the writings of Charles Dickens, and the films of John Houston look like a collective steaming pile of shit. Everything that had been spectacular before is nothing but rusted metal when compared to The General.
But just what is The General you still ask? The General is a combination of two nearly perfect things, it is part Milkshake and part Sundae. That's right, you heard me, it's a combination Milkshake-Sundae. When Robert Frost wrote that poem about the path less travelled making all the difference in his life, I think that he was really talking about having The General for the first time.
I hear the critics out there who say "Sure, it sounds great, but it can't be that great." First, you're a fucking idiot and I will kill you. Yet you go on to say "Surely it can't be better than the birth of a child, the purchase of a home, or making love to your soulmate for the first time!" Again, you're a fucking idiot and I WILL kill you. The General is clearly better than all of those things, and let me tell you why.
As to the birth of a child, little diaper-poopers are squeezed out of vajayjays everyday, so big fucking whoopdee-doo. There is nothing special about the birth of your child, just get over yourself. As to buying a home, congratulations, the bank can repossess on you at any moment. Nice move getting tied down, dumbass. And finally, soulmates? Come on! A soulmate is something you came up with to make yourself feel good about all the mistakes you made that led to you getting tied down and having to settle. Even if it is true love, it still cannot compare with the unbridled Awesomeness that is The General.
Have one and you will know the truth, and it will make you laugh at how everyone who has not had one is inferior to you.

The Book Fairy

2007-11-10T08:03:00.000-05:00

The book fairy came by and gave me three new books. I would normally be pretty excited by this because all three are Robert Heinlein books, and you all know how much I like Robert Heinlein. However, I can't say that I'm really that happy about getting these new books. Why? Because I HAVE TOO MANY FUCKING BOOKS TO READ ALREADY! I DON'T NEED YOU ADDING MORE TO THE LIST, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! TAKE YOUR FRIENDLINESS AND BURN IN HELL, YOU ROTTEN MOTHER FUCKER!
OK, OK, I'm just kidding. I'm actually happy to receive the books. I already read this one, but the other two I haven't. I think, though, that these two
are early Heinlein and his early stuff is not my favorite. His early stuff is written for a younger audience and lacks the adult themes of Job, Farnham's Freehold, and Starship Troopers (although that was written for both adults and kids). A Door Into Summer is a good example of the transformation of Heinlein. That book was more science fiction and less science fantasy, although it was still primarily for a younger audience. That's not to say that fantasy is not entertaining, it's just pointing out that his fantasy wasn't that adult and can get a little dry after a bit if it's written specifically for children.
So, will I read these three anytime soon? I doubt it, I've still got to finish The Subtle Knife and then get through The Amber Spyglass, and then there's about a million other books that my douchebag friends recommended to me that I need to get through. Douchebags.

Cubans At The Door

2007-11-08T07:27:00.001-05:00

A classic Tom Waits medley called "Tango Till They're Sore". Those of you familiar with Jim Jarmusch might recognize this from the end of "Down By Law" in which Waits starred with John Lurie and Roberto Benigni (sp?). Check out the interview here. Waits' musical development is really coming along here, he's moving deeper into the underworld that he entered when he released "Swordfishtrombones".

An Open Letter to Tazo Tea Company

2007-11-06T08:01:00.000-05:00

To Whom It May Concern:
I recently bought some of your black tea at a local store. Don't worry, I love the tea, but I do have some residual concerns about it. I also have some concerns about what type of fucking oddballs I bought tea from.
When I set out to make some tea this morning, I decided to look at the ingredients on the back of the teabag to see what I was getting into. Turns out that your black tea is made up of "[a] blend of select black teas." Well that really helps me to narrow the possibilities. That's about as fucking helpful as telling me that my milk comes from an animal. Also, if I'm drinking black tea, isn't it a given that the tea will have some amount of black tea in it? Well, regardless of that, you win the gold star for clarity, Doctor Obvious!
While not knowing what is in the tea that I'm drinking is a problem, what is of greater concern to me is the people that made the tea. What do I mean by this? Well, the tea bag says that if I want to contact Tazo about the alleged black tea that I made, I should do the following:
"[W]rite us at Tazo, P.O. Box 66, Portland, OR 97207, or visit us at www.tazo.com. Allow two weeks of this lifetime for a written response."
OF THIS LIFETIME? What the hell does that mean? The lifetime of this universe, this earth, another planet, your life, mine, whose? Further, why the fuck would I want a letter from Tazo in my next lifetime? Sure, maybe you all will be big shits then and everyone will drink your tea, but I may be an animal or some other lifeform that doesn't drink any tea at all, so it would really be moot at that point, wouldn't it? Why did you waste space to put in something that is completely, totally, absolutely, and without a doubt superfluous? WHY?
Did you include that shit about "this lifetime" specifically to alert people that you are some sort of filthy hippies who believe in reincarnation? Well congratufuckinglations, but I really don't give a goddamn about who you are or what you believe in. You have no purpose to me other than your ability to provide me with tea. And if you are that much of a pretentious asshole that you would put your religious beliefs ON YOUR FUCKING TEA BAGS then I would just as soon have nothing to do with you, you preachy ass-clown.
Further, if you are willing to put this sort of thing on your fucking tea bags, then what sort drugs do you do? After all, I can't imagine anyone who is not all drugged up willingly putting this sort of thing on a tea bag. Do these drugs filter down into your tea? Will I fail a drug test and lose my job thanks to your inability to keep your drugs out of your tea? This may shock you, but just because someone buys your tea does not mean that they want to buy your drugs. While they probably do want to buy your drugs, you should make sure first.

Thanks for being a bunch of total lame mother-fuckers,

AngryMan

New Links and A New Book

2007-11-05T06:01:00.000-05:00

OK, I'm adding the following to the blog roll:
1) Preposterus Ponderings
2) Moooooooooooooooog 35 &
3) Popov & Ramen.
I'm also reading The Subtle Knife at the moment, the second book in the "His Dark Materials" trilogy that starts with The Golden Compass. While I'm not very far along, I'm already picking up an interesting theme that the author is developing much more forcefully than he did in The Golden Compass, and that theme is how much religion just flat-out sucks.
Initially, I thought that The Golden Compass was developing an anti-organized religion theme, but the early parts of The Subtle Knife seems to be taking a full-blown anti-God theme. While this doesn't bother me, I'm afraid that this will hurt the movie version of The Golden Compass and I think that's unfortunate. Some religious bigots are already complaining about how the movie is anti-religious and how people should not go see it. You would think that Bill Donohue would have something better to do, like explaining why the guys from South Park make fun of him, but I guess he doesn't.
OK, now here's what bothers me. Even if the books are anti-religious and make no bones about it, there's nothing wrong with spreading that message. That message can foster debate and cause people to think about their beliefs, their world, and their purpose in life. While this should not be a bad thing, it will cause problems with religious bigots who care about nothing other than controlling every single aspect of your life. Fucking religious bigots. What is so wrong with people taking the time to think about the world, to think about God, and to think in general?
Well, I don't know, I guess it's bad after all. I mean, if you think about stuff, you may think about how religion is constantly used to prosecute wars and mass murder and genocide and all sorts of terrible things. You might also think about how the Catholic Church supported Hitler, at least tacitly, during World War II. And, hey, where were all the religious people people during the slave trade? Maybe they missed a memo or something, I don't know, I don't pay much attention.
I want everyone who reads this blog to write the Catholic League and tell them that they need to relax. They need to calm down and let people think. If they have a hard time letting go of their controlling nature, then they should probably just have more sex (she'll probably be able to help you, as can she). I find that freaky, filthy, nasty sex always helps to calm me down.

I'm A Natural Born Prankster

2007-11-03T13:25:00.000-05:00

You all probably don't know this about me, but I love a good prank. The love of the art-form of pranking developed at my last pre-law school job. While there, I pulled some pretty good ones. We filled one guy's cubicle full of all the fake office trees in the office, I took one guy's diploma from his office and put it in the bathroom (along with randomly relocating most of his office), and would constantly send emails and calendar reminders from other people's computers. It was a good time. Oh, and other pranks at that office that didn't involve me were much better. I was pretty low on the totem-pole and couldn't get away with much. Some of my favorite non-me pranks were one guy putting a dead rat on another guy's desk. That guy then found his office filled with packaging peanuts in return. Classic.
Unfortunately, I haven't been in a position to pull many pranks lately. At my job last summer, I pulled one. The office librarian kept rearranging things in my office, so I responded by hiding his chair and his keyboard. I wanted to put a picture of this one attorney's face on that pic of Paris Hilton when she was crying in the cop car because she had to go back to jail, but I declined to do so as I wanted to get a job offer and that might screw it up.
Well, I got a good chance to prank someone recently, and I jumped on it like stink on shit.
NOTE:
Readers of my blog who like the Red Sox may want to stop reading now. This will get painful.
END NOTE.
So, one of my professors is a big Red Sox fan. I had him my first year when the BoSox lost to the ChiSox and I had everyone in the class print out a ChiSox logo and tape it to the back of their computers. He got a good laugh out of it, and it was good to be back in the prankster realm.
Well, back when the Indians looked like they were going to make it to the World Series, I emailed my class and told them to print out an Indians logo and put it on the back of their computers. I know it was rehashing the same prank, but it was funny last time, and I knew he'd be OK with it. Unfortunately the Indians choked like a Thai prostitute and it never materialized. But some fucking piece of shit told the prof about the plan!!! I can't fucking believe it!!! I show up and he starts asking me where the Indians logos are. Goddamnitt, not only did my prank get fucked up, but it got turned back on me. What a bunch of shit.
Obviously I couldn't let that shit slide, so I took the pranking into overdrive. I designed an elaborate plan to deal with the prof if the Red Sox lost in which I would:
1) Put a bunch of Rockies World Series pics on his office door so he would have to see them when he came in to work.
2) Have one on the projector screen when he came in to class.
3) Have someone put more Rockies pics on his office door during class so he would have to see them when he went back to his office.
Unfortunately for my prank-pulling gene, the Rockies sucked more than C.Rag at a bar on a Friday night and lost in a blaze of glory. But I vowed not to let this get in the way of pranking my prof and quickly set to work on another plan.
When the prof came into class Thursday morning, he found this up on the projector:He explained what the pic meant to the class, because some people did not know who Bill Buckner was and what that play meant. He said that he thought that I was capable of a better prank than putting up a picture of Buckner, since that happened so long ago, and he quickly set about turning off the projector and putting the screen up. Now, to put the screen up, you have to use a switch. The projector goes up pretty slowly, so the prof started talking to the class and then everyone started laughing. Why? Well, as the screen went up this was revealed to be taped to the blackboard behind it (it was blown up pretty big, too):
Yep, there is Ray Knight crossing the plate in Game 6 of the World Series. He stared at it for a moment, turned to me and said, "OK, that is pretty good. That's good, we'll just leave it up during class today." Damn right it's good, I'm a natural born prankster.

Apparently I'm Not Angry Engouh

2007-11-02T08:41:00.000-05:00

I thought that winning the Murkoe for "Angriest MotherFucker" would have settled it and established that I am, in fact, one angry sonofabitch, but Sagacious Hillbilly disagrees. He does not find me remotely angry at all and views me as instead being "SlightlyAnnoyed". He also recently implied that I'm a racist because I go to his blog and make stupid comments just like he does over here.
I found out why Sagacious Hillbilly thinks this way. He's extra sensitive because I know the truth about him. You see after some careful investigation, I found out that his liberalism is only an image to cover up his true roots. Here are some pics I took while following him around.
Here's a picture of Sagacious.

Here's a picture of Sagacious' kid.
Here's Sagacious' wind chimes.
Here's the shirt that displays his prowess at certain games.
Here's Sagacious at his monthly feel-good retreat.
Here's Sagacious marrying his baby's-mama.
Here's Sagacious in his normal form, thinking that he's better than everyone.
P.S. Guess I can get pretty angry now and then, huh?

Tom Waits Thursdays

2007-11-01T06:42:00.001-05:00

This is Tom Waits on the Mike Douglas Show in 1976. He plays one of my favorite songs of his, "Nighthawks at the Diner" from the album with the same name. I hope that you all get the reference there. Enjoy.
Oh, this is a much younger Tom Waits and he's still developing his act a little bit, but you can see that the humourous side of him is clearly there.

Special To ROYTERS SPORTS

2007-10-30T06:19:00.000-05:00

ROYTERS SPORTS OP-ED --

"I Thought We Were Friendly, Malach"
by Mark Schlereth

Recently, Malach upset me greatly when he called me an idiot for pointing out that Belichick seems to be going out of his way to show-up the other teams this season. He then added that this is just adding a chip to the Patriots' collective shoulder. I find this troubling for several reasons. One is that the Pats have won three Super Bowls this decade and have been to the playoffs for four straight seasons. I mean, what the hell? Do you all have really small penises or something that would cause you to let my comments as a meaningless sports analyst affect you? Do you suffer from a vicious inferiority complex? Is Belichick just upset over the fact that he sucked ass in Cleveland? Get over it! Everyone is picking you all to be the Super Bowl winners and you've been the favorite pretty much from the moment you signed Adalius Thomas. The whole, "No one believes in us" shit is getting a little old. You've won titles, you are not the Pats of old.
But even more importantly, he tried to say that ESPN and other media outlets are upset only when the Pats run up the score and act like classless turds and that they never complained about other teams who ran up the score.
Let me take this in two parts. First, CBS's morning crew said that there is no problem with the Pats running up the score, and that it is OK to do so. They were all in accord that it is the job of the other team to stop the Pats from scoring, not the Pats. And as someone who watched the game against the Skins Sunday, I would point out to Malach that uber-douche Troy Aikman agreed with that statement. He also went out of his way to praise Randy Moss as a smart player and totally ignored all of Moss' several negatives that should always be talked about whenever anyone talks about Randy Moss. Aikman never said that Moss is just a whiner, a dirty little shit who cannot deal with being on a team that he wants to be on. There was NO excuse for Randy Moss dogging his way out of Oakland, and uber-douche Troy Aikman should have acknowledged that. Finally, ESPN totally sucks, so I don't care what they say, but I heard Ron Jaworski yesterday morning go out of his way to defend the Pats and say that no one is running up the score, the Pats are just doing their job.
On to my second point about why Malach's comment is totally retarded. He said that the 1998 Broncos and the 2000 Rams ran up the score, as did several Colts teams (since he failed to specify which Colts team allegedly ran up the score, his argument is procedurally defaulted and will not be discussed. However, in dictum, I would add that the Colts did score a lot of points, but they ran the ball late in the game and did not push ahead for touchdowns in the fourth quarter with a few minutes left and the backups in. Further, as I recall, the Colts had a lousy defense until recently which made the need for points greater). As for the 1998 Broncos, the average margin of victory for that team was 14.7 points a game (four of those games were one possession games at the end, too). Hmm, that does not really sound like scoring like hell on everyone, and it certainly is not going for it on fourth down with a few minutes left in a game when you are already up by forty points. It also is not throwing the ball late in the fourth quarter and needlessly putting your players at risk for a justified cheap shot.
As for the Rams, I do not recall the 1999-2000 Rams running up the score (although they did score a lot), I think that Dick Vermeil actually held some scores down by running the ball to shorten the game (though my memory is a little fuzzy from that time period). I believe that he was referring to the 2001-2003 teams, coached by Mike Martz, who were accused of running up the score and criticized for it (although the 2000-01 team scored a lot of points but gave up way too many, which probably had something to do with Martz wanting to continue to score points). A lot of people blamed Martz for not having Vermeil who would opt for running plays to control the clock. Also, the scores of those games do not come anywhere close to those of the Pats' games this season.
But what do I know? I only played in the NFL on several championship teams while Malach has been a fan his whole life and, despite a brief NFL career, never developed into the talent that we thought he would be. But, Malach, what really upsets me is that I thought we were friendly. And I don't mean "Invite me over to your house" friendly, I mean "Take it in the butt from each other" friendly. Malach, don't you remember all those long days we spent together on the beach running across the sand, kicking water at each other, and engaging in protracted Greek wrestling matches? Don't you remember feeding each other passion fruits and drinking mojitos from long bendy straws? What about all the time we spent putting suntan lotion on each other? Malach, what happened to our "friendship"?

With all my love to my lost friend,

Mark Schlereth

I Tried To See The Movie, But It Was Gone, Baby, Gone

2007-10-29T06:22:00.000-05:00

On Saturday, Wifey and I went down to the nearest Metropolis and caught a matinee showing of Gone, Baby, Gone directed by someone that I always thought was an uber-turd, Ben Affleck. The movie is based on a novel written by Dennis Lehane. Lehane also wrote Mystic River, which was turned into a fantastic film.
I have to tell you, I was very impressed, and I'm still continue to think to myself how impressive the film was. Ben Affleck did a fantastic job directing this, and aside from selecting Morgan Freeman to play one of the main police officers, it was a powerful film from start to finish with no let-down whatsoever. Casey Affleck gave one of the best performances of his short career as Patrick Kenzie, and I hope that this will launch him into bigger roles. Ed Harris was, as always, just damned perfect. When you watch him in a movie, you never think to yourself, "I'm watching Ed Harris," you always get lost in the character he's created.
But Ben Affleck really stole the show by portraying a gritty, dirty, filthy inner-city Boston.
START NOTE:
Before you read what I think about Boston, I'll admit that I haven't been up that way in years since my Grandparents moved out of Gloucester (and I can still swing it with an accent every now and then). However, it really felt like an accurate portrayal from what I remember.
END NOTE.
I read a review before I saw the film that talked about how Affleck really went out of the way to capture that low-down, struggling-to-make-it side of Boston, and I have to agree with it. He got down in the depths of Boston and really brought it to life. Boston became a character in the film, and Affleck used it perfectly. He did an especially wonderful job with the language. None of the swearing was over-the-top, it all just fit together when he used it, and it all made sense.
Affleck also did a great job making a key scene towards the end of the film more believable. In the novel, there wasn't much too it and you left slightly disappointed and wanting a little bit more. Lehane just didn't put his heart into arguing each side of the issue and it fell flat. Affleck, though, reworked some of the dialogue and brought out the issue perfectly. He understood what drove Patrick Kenzie's character and did a wonderful job bringing it to light.
I hope that this is the first of many successful Affleck directed films, and it's nice to see him getting his career back together. Go check out the film, I think that you'll enjoy it.

P.S. Since I left out Tomski from the daemon fun, his daemon would be the monkey that stared with Clint Eastwood.

Suck It, Harry Potter!!!

2007-10-27T07:36:00.000-05:00

Well, I guess that Dumbledore would be the one sucking it, but I've never been much for accuracy. I'm sure you're curious as to why Harry Potter/Dumbledore-Ass-Fucker should be sucking something, but I really don't care if you are or are not. If you are, congrats, CuriousFuckingGeorge. If you are not, then you can stick your head up your own ass and fart, repeatedly.
The reason that Harry Potter should be sucking it (or watching Dumbledore go to town on a cock) is because The Golden Compass totally rocked the house. I think that it clearly set the standard for modern fantasy novels, and I'm comfortable saying this because I've read about (4) modern fantasy novels (I'm not counting The War of The Ring Trilogy as modern). The Golden Compass was so good that anyone else who attempts to tell the story of a young child overcoming overwhelming odds to defeat several evil plans should realize how much their novel will suck in comparison to The Golden Compass and should stop writing. Don't even start, you pathetic loser, you will just suck and everyone will point and laugh at you for sucking so much. "Dumbledore" is what they'll call you. And they should, because you know you like lemon parties where people dress up like Dumbledore and suck you off.
OK, in all seriousness now, I did enjoy The Golden Compass. I thought that it did a good job walking the line between children's book and adult. The fantasy world that Pullman created was amazing, it was very similar to Dune in that both had a very detailed, rich, and complex universe in which the story takes place. The fact that there are so many different tribes of people will give a future author the chance to develop the history of that fantasy world in fashion similar to the way that has been done with Dune since the death of Frank Herbert. Of course if that happens, I hope that super-turd Kevin J. Anderson will have to stay far, far away from those books. I also hope that doesn't happen, I think that the novel does a great job of speaking for itself, but if the movie is a big hit, I just get the feeling that something like that will happen.
The daemons were a fantastic addition to the story. I've decided that everyone should have a daemon, and as a result, I am giving out daemons to my loyal readers.
Joey Polanski -- a passenger pigeon (ha ha!)
C.Rag -- a menstruating unicorn
Tequila Mockingbird -- a rum drinking parrot
Phoebe Fay -- a spider-eating frog
Malach The Merciless -- a feathered cock
The Pope -- a little boy (come on, it's what he wants)
Mike -- he already has Carmen, so that's good enough
Erica -- a proofreading owl
Cissy Strut -- a bookworm
Jedi MacFan -- he doesn't get one, that would be unfair to the daemon
Cash -- Paris Hilton
Murk -- a possum (because possums play dead and this one has a drinking problem, too)
Sara Sue -- a horse dick (KABONG!!!)
HTGT -- a pit bull to deal with those evil kittens of hers
Colonel Colonel -- it's getting hard to keep coming up with these . . .
Pre. Pon. -- she's already got a monkey avatar, so she gets a person
Real Mother Hen -- a cat
Mooooooog -- a P.O.S. (it fits his blog name . . .)
Sagacious Hillbilly -- a rabid raccoon

All The World Is Green

2007-10-25T06:26:00.001-05:00

This is one of my favorite Tom Waits songs. It's from Blood Money, which is a pretty rock-solid album. Tom Waits talks with Dave Letterman about his trip to the dump and driving for school field trips to such places as the music store.

Holding Down The Fort

2007-10-23T11:23:00.000-05:00

I've gotten a little backed up lately as a result of a trip I had to take back to my home state. It had to do with law school work, it wasn't a fun trip. Regardless, I'm playing catchup at the moment (the trip created additional work beyond that of the trip itself and has me a little behind the eightball). Once I get a chance to get back in the swing of things, I'll be posting and commenting again. Since I finished The Golden Compass, I'm going to write about what I thought about it, so get prepared, TurdMacFan and HTGT! I'll also be responding to the Way Out Wayne comments and I'll find a Tom Waits interview clip soon. Sorry, Joey, but you get left out of the Tom Waits fun, dial-up boy!

He's Way Out . . . And He's Wayne . . .

2007-10-21T08:25:00.000-05:00

He's Way Out Wayne.
Those are the words of one of A.W.E.'s most famous songs. For those of you unfamiliar with A.W.E., which is probably all of you, A.W.E. was a band that my brother and his friends started up years ago. They had a large cult following in my hometown. One of their songs was about a local character in the town called "Way Out Wayne".
Wayne was in forties or so when I first really learned about him. He came around this restaurant where I worked and was kind of slow and a little off-kilter, but very nice. Never said rude words, never mean, but just very simple and easy to talk to. He always went out of his way to talk to you, too. Always loved to just talk. He lacked most of your social graces and would talk about some odd things now and again and I think he believed that the National Enquirer was close to Gospel. Very trusting, very odd. You'd see him at some of the local get-togethers, like the yearly Redneck festival, and he'd be having a good time, but you didn't want to get stuck talking to him for that long. You'd just hope that Way Out Wayne would get on his bicycle and ride away pretty soon. He never drove a car, always rode a bicycle. Oh, and if you somehow started talking about the local college's football team, you were pretty much stuck.
Wayne was made fun of by a lot of college kids and high school kids in town because he was, I'll admit, stupid. No, Way Out Wayne wasn't that bright. Of course, spending most of your childhood locked in closets and basements will do that to you. And, yeah, when the government is supporting you as an adult because you're not that much more than a child when it comes to mental development, there's probably something wrong with your intelligence level; child molestation has a tendency to mess you up, too. I'm not sure if he was molested or physically abused or both, but neither would surprise me and the rumors were plentiful. My Dad believes in his heart that the students weren't really cruel at heart, that they just didn't really know the truth about Way Out Wayne. I don't know, I'm not much of an optimist, but I hope that Dad's right.
Way Out Wayne had a brother named Donald. Don't really know anything about Donald, but he was more or less the same as Wayne, all whacked out. I don't remember Donald being as out-going as Wayne, but I could be wrong. The locals from my hometown did a decent job taking care of Wayne and Donald, giving them both odd-jobs and picking up lunch for them here and there. My best-friend from my hometown, his dad always helped take care of Wayne and Donald. The restaurant I worked at also was pretty good to Wayne and Donald. The owner was pretty talkative to them and would always find a way to tolerate them.
Way Out Wayne died several years ago. He's probably at rest now. As for Donald, I don't know. I just hope he's not in a place where, as an adult who's really a child, he's picked on by other "adults" who haven't grown up enough to treat the weird guy who spent his whole life getting fucked by other people like a human being.

You Got To Lie To Me, Baby

2007-10-19T06:34:00.001-05:00

OK, I was going to do a post about a character from my hometown after reading Mike's post and then getting a request from Phoebe to tell you all about him. Unfortunately, I've gotten backed up, WITH SCHOOL WORK! My digestion and shitting is fine, thank you. But I know how much you like my blog and that you will completely lose it without a new post, so I'll just keep the Tom Waits theme going that I started over on Malach's blog by telling you to lie to me, baby.

The Podcast

2007-10-17T07:32:00.000-05:00

I'm starting to realize that having a podcast is a big problem because I want to come up with things to talk about on the podcast that are not things that I talk about on my blog. Why? Because if I talked about it on my blog then it would be repetitive to talk about the same thing on my podcast and vice versa. It would also be boring and while my loyal readership wouldn't complain, I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it.
Since I'm pretty lazy and totally uncreative, it puts me at a terrible disadvantage in my attempt to keep talking about new things here at the blog. The real problem is that I have no muse, I have nothing that will keep my creative juices flowing at all times. To solve the problem, I am now taking applications for a muse. I don't have too many requirements, other than you have to be a female, so most anyone can apply (Jedi MacFan, while you are like a woman, bitchy and naggy, you don't count as one).
Let me define what I mean by "muse". I mean someone who will inspire me to write about new and interesting things on a regular basis. The inspiration will be primarily sexual in origin. I want the muse to use her massive sexual abilities, talents, and skills to set my mind on the track necessary to continue to write intelligibly and sensibly. I also want the sexual intercourse to give me uncanny insightfulness.
This will require a lot of sex on a day-to-day basis. Stamina is a must. If I don't feel like having sex for some reason, you need to use your womanly charms and enchantment abilities to get me to rise to the challenge to proceed with the sex. I mean it, you must keep me sexually sated.
The sex must also be freaky. I mean, it needs to be filthy, dirty, scary stuff that most people would never even think about doing. It needs to be stuff that would get you kicked out of most Southeast Asian countries.
Those are my requirements, I don't think that I'm asking too much. Oh, and you're probably asking what you will get paid, or otherwise compensated, for having sex with me. Well, that's the tricky part. If I pay you it becomes prostitution and that's illegal. Since I'm going to take the bar soon, I don't want to have a possible prostitution conviction hanging over my head. Therefore, instead of being paid in money, you will be compensated in another way. Put simply, your compensation will be the fact that you get to have sex with me and otherwise enjoy my company. That's more than fair, and I think it's pretty obvious who comes out ahead.

Oh, and Moooo tried to tag me with a meme. I don't do memes. I hate them, I fucking hate them, I fucking goddamn ass hell shit piss crap sonofabitch hate them.

Eugenics Does Have Its Upside

2007-10-15T07:16:00.000-05:00

OK, so this document came out that relates to the Knights Templars and the Vatican. It, of course, stirred up all the controversy surrounding Dan Brown's novel The Da Vinci Code. Whenever I hear someone talk about The Da Vinci Code, all I can think about is part of a conversation I overheard once while washing dishes at a country club.
SIDE-NOTE: I worked at that country club during the summer after my first year in law school. Monday through Thursday I worked for a Judge and Friday through Sunday I worked for the country club washing dishes. The judge-job didn't pay money, and since I was hemorrhaging cash commuting back-and-forth, I decided I needed to do something to bring money in, and washing dishes was really all I could do. This kind of ruined my summer as I spent most of it working 6 or 7 days a week. Lots of fun.
BACK TO MAIN STORY:
So, the country club was doing this "let people order their food and have the chefs make it in front of them" thing. They were cooking with small woks and needed them washed really quickly. To accomplish this, all of the woks were brought to me and I washed them and sent them back out. I was placed outside on a deck (this was relatively close to where the chefs were, the kitchen was too far away to get the woks and cleaned and sent back quickly) and some people would come outside to smoke. Two middle-aged guys came outside and smoked and started talking about The Da Vinci Code. At the time, the movie was about to come out and the two gentlemen were upset about how Ron Howard and his Satanic allies were upsetting their delicate belief system by making people think about Christianity.
This is what made me almost shoot the people for basic stupidity when they said the following:

"I can't believe that Ron Howard would do something like that [make the movie], and just for money because money is the root of all evil."
"I know, I know."

Wait, what? What? Ron Howard's just doing the movie for money? If that were the case, he would be making action flicks all the time because that's really where the money is. I mean, a movie like The Da Vinci Code is totally hit or miss. But on a larger point, Ron Howard ain't hurting for money, he can make any movie he wants. So if he a chooses a specific movie, it's probably not for money. It's probably because he thinks it's a good story and will be an interesting film.
And why the fuck do you care what Ron Howard does? I mean, do Ron Howard's actions personally affect you? Are you upset because little Opie Taylor isn't doing what Andy taught him to? How the fuck is it that you can be personally let down by the actions of someone that you don't even know, have never met, and don't know the first fucking thing about? And I bet you haven't even read the book and probably never went to see the movie, you fucking uber-turd! If you were complaining that the movie would suck because the book sucked, that would be different (although your comments would still be pretty dumb).
And I'm sure that you now understand the title of this post. I know that things got a little out-of-hand with eugenics back in the day, but there is a clear upside to forced sterilization and selective breeding. It means that people like the uber-turds at the country club will no longer exist and I won't have to listen to their ridiculous comments anymore.
And I'm out.

Meet The Heroes (But NOT On NBC) and Other Stuff

2007-10-13T06:25:00.000-05:00

Once I finished the totally awesome Slaughterhouse Five (Or The Children's Crusade), I sat down with my computer and tried something a little bit different. And after I got done with the obese porn, I decided to read Meet The Heroes by our favorite Internet writer, Christopher Morris. Now, I generally think that Morris is a total piece of shit who spends most of his time trying to drink his ass-juices, but for some reason, I decided to read the first installment.
I have to admit that I was rather surprised. The story lacked several elements that I thought would be hallmarks of Morris' work. For example, there were no old men circle jerks, there were no gerbils in assholes, and there were no Burmese women or fat dress-wearing Scotsmen. Instead there was a pretty entertaining story. The end of the first installment contained some very Dune-ish elements regarding benevolent dictatorships and there was also some good commentary on the corruption of power and our general need to have good and evil. The entire concept of the superhero-police force also reminded me slightly of Ben Bova's Peacekeepers, which I read a while ago and enjoyed. I say to give it a read or else I will make you drink your ass-juices.

Also, it's time to update the blog roll again. Here's the additions:

1) Tequila Mockingbird -- the humorous tales of a functioning drunk and her fear of clowns. You will laugh, cry, and beg for an abortion.
2) THE POPE -- MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE. His racism will save us all.

Also, I expect to link a few more bloggers shortly, but I don't have a good enough sense of those blogs yet to be able to add them. Once I get that, I'll be adding a few more.

Finally, with all the buzz surrounding C.Rag and AngryMan making The Murk and Malach Show good for a change, there are rumours that Third Option Media is going to sign C.Rag and AngryMan to an exclusive podcast deal. While I cannot confirm or deny these rumours, we may see a podcast come along soon.

Take A Watch

2007-10-11T08:47:00.000-05:00

There's a new show on The CW called "Reaper". It's about a 21 year-old loser (not me, I'm 26) who lives with his parents (not me, I'm married and don't live with my parents) and works a go nowhere job (could be me). On his 21st birthday he finds out that his parents sold his soul to the Devil and he now has to work for the Devil retrieving lost souls. It's not the greatest show in the world, but it is fairly compelling and pretty funny. Kevin Smith is a consultant for the show and he adds a nice touch. Also, the guy who plays the Devil is great. He's charming, witty, funny, and a pretty good practical joker. There's a whole lot to like, so give it a viewing or two. I can see what you probably wouldn't like about it, but I still enjoy it a good deal.
Now that I think about it, though, I probably shouldn't have told you all to watch it. Every single time I stick my neck out and promote a show, it gets canned. Let's stroll down memory lane, shall we? Oh, and if you don't want to, TOO FUCKING BAD!

1) I campaigned tirelessly for Arrested Development, but you probably didn't even bother to watch the show and helped FOX destroy it. You jerk-off cumwad asswipes, thanks for letting the show get canned!

2) I made several requests that you all start watching Invasion on ABC two seasons ago. I talked about it so much that I even advertised for it on The WoW, but to no avail. After a full season (at least it got that), ABC sent it off to pasture and cut off all the actor's legs, arms, and heads. The writers were then molested by giant gorillas for three weeks. Those gorillas are vicious, let me tell you! And finally, the creator and the party responsible for green-lighting the show were forced to swim to the bottom of the sea and find the aliens that appeared in The Abyss. I think their heads exploded or something, I'm not sure.

3) & 4) I also made a light-hearted push to get you to watch The Dresden Files and Masters of Science Fiction. Well, The Dresden Files got excommunicated and sent to TV Purgatory (no, that's really TV Hell, this is TV Purgatory) where it's hanging out with The Job, Sports Night, The Flash, Firefly, Keen Eddie, and The Critic and being punished for being too good for TV. As for Masters of Science Fiction, it was a four episode miniseries and I ended up missing most of them because I had other stuff pop up the nights it came on. Damn me all to hell!!! The first episode was freaking great, though.

Please, Please, Please STOP THE COVERAGE!!!

2007-10-09T07:28:00.000-05:00

I hate to say it, but I wish that Princess Di wasn't dead. I used to not care at all one way or another, but I've finally lost it and developed an opinion about Princess Di and her death. My opinion is this, I wish that she weren't dead so I WOULDN'T HAVE TO HEAR ANOTHER FUCKING THING ABOUT HOW SHE DIED!!!
It happened TEN FUCKING YEARS AGO, SHEEPLE! GET THE FUCK OVER IT, YOU DUMB BASTARDS! SHE WASN'T AN IMPORTANT PERSON, SHE WAS A ROTTEN NO-GOOD DO-GOODER! HER DEATH WAS NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT ALL OF THIS?
I mean, it's sad that she died and all that, and I feel really bad for her two sons who have had to grow up without their mother, but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT NEWS, DOES IT?!? SHE ISN'T JOHN OR ROBERT F. KENNEDY, HER DEATH DOESN'T DESERVE ONGOING NEWS COVERAGE LIKE THIS! HELL, I BET THAT PEOPLE KNOW MORE ABOUT HER DEATH THAN THEY DO ABOUT PRESIDENT LINCOLN'S!
HOW THE FUCK DID SHE BECOME THAT CULTURALLY RELEVANT ANYWAY?!? I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW IN THE HELL HER DEATH CONTINUES TO BE TREATED AS A NEWS STORY, SOMEONE, PLEASE HELP ME OUT AND END THIS RIDICULOUS DRIVEL!

I Do Have Some Shame

2007-10-07T07:01:00.000-05:00

So, a couple days ago, Wifey and I went to the library. She didn't have her library card and wanted a book, so I went into the library to find one while she stayed outside and played with the dog/whored herself out for some badly needed funds.
Wifey wasn't specific as to what book she wanted to read, but she said something Sci-Fi-ish would work, so I carefully snuck around until I came across a trilogy of books I read in Junior High (that's right, I said "Junior High", I didn't go to no fucking assclown school that you all refer to as "middle school". I fucking hate how forms ask you to list where you went to middle school, and I have to be all like "I didn't, you dumb fuck, I went to Junior High, so suck my balls!"). The books are:
As I said, I remember enjoying these novels when I was about twelve or thirteen, so I figured that Wifey should give them a read and I checked out the first one. Why? Because she can't comprehend much that is beyond the reach of your average twelve year-old and also because I've been tempted to read them again for a few years, but my slight sense of shame has interfered. I mean, I don't really want to get caught carrying around a Star Wars novel. I already get ragged for being a sci-fi geek as it is, and I don't really need to add more fuel to the fire. Normally, I don't give a flying pigeon shit about what other people think, but even I have to agree that if you read Star Wars novels, you deserve all the abuse that people can heap on you (physical, emotional, etc.). I've tried several times to tell myself that that cannot be the case, you shouldn't get harassed just for reading a book as reading a book is a good thing, but I can never convince myself of that. If you read Star Wars novels, you have a problem. Please, get help now. It's not normal. At least I've never read a Star Trek novel.
Anyway, I got two other books for Wifey that were not Star Wars related and she asked me what the hell the Star Wars book was about. She reminded me that she married me because she thought I was going to be someone, and that a person who reads Star Wars novels is a total zero and will never amount to anything other than a useless pile of human skin. I told her to give it a shot and let me know what she thought about it, but that she should hide in a locked closet or generally far away from another person while reading it. The last thing she wants is for someone to see that she's reading a Star Wars novel, that's a shame that no one should ever have to experience.

UPDATE: Wifey has not started reading the novel yet. I can't say that's a bad idea. Also, I think she filed for divorce.

I'm Not So Old

2007-10-05T07:08:00.000-05:00

I played some pick-up basketball for the first time in over a year last night. I've gotten slightly more out-of-shape than I already was, which is scary. I've been working on getting back in shape and started running again, but the damned ragweed is so bad where I am that I can hardly breathe, much less run. But my allergies calmed down and I got in three games.
I played pretty well, hitting my signature fade-aways, grabbing rebounds (my favorite part of basketball, along with defense), making some real sweet passes, and hitting a couple 15-18 footers. One of the longer shots came at the end of the first game and turned into the game-winner. I'd already hit two baskets and was feeling pretty good, so I took a chance on a jumper. I thought it was up too high and was going to bounce of the backboard, but I've always had a real soft touch, so it slid off the board and into the hoop. The bankshot is a shot that most people wouldn't be able to make because they don't know how to use the backboard, but I went through a phase when I was younger where I wouldn't take a shot without using the backboard. It's paid off, even if I'm a little off target but get the ball anywhere near the backboard, it's got a good chance of going in.
I was pretty exhausted after the first game, so I sat out the second and then played the next two. I held up about as well as anyone else, which was good. The odd part was I was playing with Mormons. Everyone there but me was Mormon, so the game dynamics were a little different. Everyone was admitting fouls instantly and congratulating opponents on good shots. There was also no trash-talk, absolutely none whatsoever. I didn't really know what to make of that, I mean, that's kind of part of the pick-up game. You always talk a bunch of smack with everyone because you're not any good and they aren't either, so everyone laughs at it. They didn't go in for any of that, but I wasn't totally surprised. Mormons are just so damned nice that trash-talking never enters their heads, I guess.
Oh, at one point I fucked up a play and said "Shit" somewhat loudly, but no one appeared to notice. The guy guarding me was a little surprised that I said that, I think. He kind of had an odd look on his face. I must admit, though, it was a lot of fun and I had a good three games all the way around, so I'll be going back fairly regularly. They play every Thursday, IN THE CHURCH. No joke, the basketball court is in the church. I've heard of worshipping the All-Mighty Roundball, but that takes it a little far, don't you think? Regardless, it was pretty fun. And, hey, wood floors beat the shit out of blacktop any day of the week.
Also, I should be adding to my blogroll pretty soon. I've got a couple of folks to add, and one new person who I'll be keeping an eye on for a while. If he keeps up his posting, he'll get added shortly, so let's see. And, in honor of the Pope, I've decided to add a theme song to the site. Once I get off my ass and figure out how to do it, it'll be up. I think it'll be a perfect expression of my rage and anger at the stupid world that continues to piss me off non-stop, you'll all love it, too.

An Open Letter To Clarence Thomas

2007-10-03T16:42:00.000-05:00

As you all know, I'm a law student. As such, the recent Clarence Thomas controversy is of special interest to me. I watched almost all of the 60 Minutes "piece" on Clarence Thomas and was generally disgusted. I mean, 60 Minutes usually doesn't throw softballs to the people they interview, but they sure did with Thomas. There were no questions about his dubious qualifications and lack of practical experience at the time he was nominated. Further, there were few questions about his pathetic approach to oral argument (just talk to a lawyer who has argued before the Court, you'll get great stories, here's one).
Since 60 Minutes did not do so, I, very cognizant of role as promoter of the truth, will do so.

Dear Clarence Thomas:
I read with interest the excerpts of your book in which you claim several things. Basically, you present a picture of how you were abused by just about everyone that you came into contact with. Yale Law School only let you in because you were black and that ruined your graduation day because it didn't treat you as a person, but as a black person. Further, because everyone knew that you were let in because you were black, you had a hard time getting a job after law school. You also claim that the Democrats were after you the entire time during the confirmation hearing because they just didn't like you. You also say that black people need to work their way up on their own and not get hand-outs (which I'm sure you never benefited from, you tool).
It is apparent to me that you are fucking insane. You have a serious paranoia complex and you think that people are always ought to get you. Well, guess what, you're right. The Democrats were out to get you during your confirmation hearing, but not because you are "an uppity black", but because you have an outdated and incorrect view of the Constitution. You see, the Democrats went after you just like they went after Robert Bork and the two Nixon appointees, Clement Haynsworth and G. Harrold Carswell, who were rejected based on their judicial philosophy and lack of competence in Carswell's case. All three were white, and Bork got treated just about as roughly as you did, so suck it up, you fucking crybaby piece of shit!
In fact, your blackness greatly helped you during the confirmation fight. If the Democrats had stones, your total lack of qualifications would have kept your nomination from going forward. However, they didn't want to be anti-black so they let you get a full vote. You're claims are total fucking bullshit, you damned idiot! If you had been white, you would have gone no where, which is what should have happened.
And the idea that Biden and the other Democrats who questioned were like slave-drivers is total bullshit, just like you. Are you suggesting that they shouldn't ask tough questions to a guy who said that he hadn't made up his mind on abortion? Further, since you are going to be on the Court for the rest of your life, why shouldn't our elected representatives thoroughly question someone who is appointed, not elected, to his job? You may not understand this, but as a Supreme Court Justice, you will greatly affect the lives of Americans and should be thoroughly questioned about your point-of-view. If you can't understand that, then maybe you are a total idiot.
As to you not being able to find a job after law school, well, geez, maybe that was because you finished in the middle of your class? Maybe it was because you didn't interview well? Maybe it was because, at the time, you were an extreme radical? Do you think that may have scared people away from you? Hell, what do I know, I'm just a loser blogger with nothing better to do. But having gone through several legal interviews, and having acquired a real legal job after I graduate, I can guess that it probably had a great deal to do with your personality more than anything else.
And your reason for leaving seminary with the Catholic Church is equally idiotic as your other claims. You got pissed off because one jerk said, after MLK was shot, that he hoped MLK died. Wow, the Catholic Church is really responsible for every single stupid comment that one of its members says. If that's all you can point to for leaving the church, then you need to toughen up, you fucking lard-ass. You sicken me, you idiotic whinny-ass moron.
Finally, I don't really have much to say about the Anita Hill thing. I don't know what happened, so I'm going to keep my mouth shut about it. I really don't have the desire to electronically lynch an uppity black who deigns to think for himself.
Fuck off, you piece of shit.

No More News

2007-10-02T07:34:00.000-05:00

ROYTERS --

Despite the apparently never-ending partisan bickering, Democrats and Republicans have come together and agreed to a startling proposal that could easily rock the nation to its very core. Late last night the House and Senate passed, and the President signed, a law that bans all news outlets from operating in the bounds of the United States. To avoid problems with media reports from outside the country, Congress nationalized all television service providers and is in the process of blocking international news from coming into the country. Further, Congress, with the signature of the President, also shut down all court systems in the Untied States and repealed the First Amendment. The First Amendment, of course, guarantees freedom of speech and freedom of the press.
"I think that this is a great day for elected representatives," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV), "Too long have politicians lived in fear of having all of their mistakes exposed. We can't let that go on any longer if we want this country to succeed. Politicians need to be cloaked in a veil of silence and secrecy that only the healing disinfectant of total darkness can create." President Bush, usually a critic of Reid and other Congressional Democrats, agreed with his new friend. "You see, peoples like to point out how I and my other associates, associates who are in the politics with me, and who politicize the work, too, make things not go always all right, and that can take its large toll after a while. I thinked it were time to alterate that, well, um, system, if you will."
Critics of the law pointed out that the Congress cannot repeal the First Amendment through legislation, but that instead an Amendment to the Constitution repealing the freedom of speech and press provisions is required. "Wow," said U.S. Senate candidate Al Franken (wait, Al Franken is running for Senate? That's totally awesome! That guy is so funny and smart, I hope he wins. Wait, what's that about a biased media?), "This is kind of what I was talking about when I said that the leaders of this country don't respect the Constitution. I mean, they take away our court system and take away our freedoms and they're OK with it. Am I the only person who has a problem with this? God, I hope not."
It turns that Al Franken (man, that guy rocks, I hope he gets elected) may well be the only person who cares about the issue. As a result of the current media blackout, most people are

Why The Death Penalty Is Wrong

2007-09-30T06:54:00.000-05:00

I could give you several reasons relating to questions about its deterrent value, the fact that is based totally on rage, poor representation at trial and during the appellate process, prosecutors who refuse to turn over exculpatory evidence, and plenty more. But there are two words that should now become the rallying cry for why the death penalty is wrong, and those two words are . . .
DUNCAN HUNTER.
Who? What? Huh?
Well, during a recent Republican debate, the candidates were asked about their views on the death penalty. Mike Huckabee and Sam Brownback had some pretty interesting things to say about the death penalty and the need for a "culture of life", reserving the death penalty for the most extreme circumstances where society could not function without the protection it brings. Huckabee went out of his way to note the toll that it takes to let an execution go forward. He said that anyone who is 100% for the death penalty without any reservations whatsoever is fooling themselves. He noted that it is a very emotional issue and that it is not easy to be a part of, but that it is necessary.
Duncan Hunter, however, said that the death penalty is needed for deterrence reasons. You see, when a murderer is thinking about killing someone, "Charlie Manson" will think about the death penalty and how his life is on the line.
What? Did Hunter really say that the death penalty is needed to stop people like Charlie Manson?
FACT:
Charlie Manson never killed anyone.
FACT:
Duncan Hunter is from California.
FACT:
Duncan Hunter is old enough to have lived through the Manson trial.
So, I really don't get how the death penalty is going to deter someone who is not killing people from killing people. I mean, he's already not killing people, what else do you want? Under Duncan Hunter's view, the death penalty only gets the really fucked up people in the world to get other people to do their killing for them. So, the most morally deserving of the death penalty don't actually get it. Nice fucking plan, Duncan Hunter. It's hard to see why you're so far behind in the polls.

Democratic Candidates Attack Hillary Again

2007-09-28T08:20:00.000-05:00

This post is for C.Rag, who likes it when a person has the gun and the holster.

ROYTERS --

Democratic presidential candidates, desperate to weaken Sen. Hillary Clinton, have unleashed a new wave of attacks, and these are very personal. Sen. Barack Obama and former Sen. John Edwards are both running ads in Iowa suggesting that Hillary Clinton is actually a man and that she is just pretending to be a woman so that people will not attack her. During one Obama commercial, Sen. Obama says that "Pretending to be something that you are not is called lying, and I think we all know now why Hillary Clinton failed to vote correctly on the Iraq War." Sen. Joe Biden also ran a similar ad in which he noted that there are some questions as to the sexual identity of Hillary Clinton and concluded by reminding viewers that he is still, in fact, running for President.
Gov. Bill Richardson echoed the sentiment of his fellow Democrats in a speech in New Hampshire when he noted that "Men are terrified of one thing, making a woman a cry. I mean, that is just the scariest thing I can think of. So, if a man thinks that he is dealing with a woman, then he won't be as aggressive to her as he would be with a man out of fear that that she will start crying. And Hillary, or should I say, 'Hank', has figured that out."
Sen. Hillary Clinton refused to respond to the accusations and only said, "Jesus Christ, they said what? Look at my big ass, that's all woman, baby, and they all wish that their wives had some the junk that's in my trunk. That's all this is about, no further comment." Bill Clinton chimed in on Larry King. "Hillary is all woman, last I checked. And that actually was a while ago now that I think about it. She could have gotten a sex-change when I wasn't paying attention, we're not that close, after all. But even if she were a man, that wouldn't always stop me. I love sex, Larry. You up for some?"
Gay rights groups chimed in to support Hillary Clinton and to condemn the attacks by Obama, Edwards, and Richardson. They also supported Bill Clinton's same-sex urges, telling him "To keep on reaching for that rainbow." Republicans refused to weigh in on the debate, citing their own personal preference for he-she sex. Sen. John McCain and former Gov. Mitt Romney both noted that they enjoyed grabbing a cock while they had sex and that they were contemplating marriage with each other in Massachusetts once they decide who will be the woman. Odds are that McCain will be the woman as he is smaller and is likely used to acting like a woman from his days in the Hanoi Hilton. Romney aids have said that Romney would like McCain to have a faux vagina, too, as Romney enjoys vaginal sex, but really likes it when his mates also have a penis that he can play with. "Idle hands are the devil's tools," said one person close to Romney.

Pull My Strings

2007-09-26T07:53:00.000-05:00

There is only music, no graphics or anything. Enjoy, here's the story below.
On Mike's recent post, Sara Sue mentioned Jerry Brown, which prompted me to post a comment that linked this video about the ex-Gov, "California Uber Alles". That's always been one of my favorite Dead Kennedys' song, and it's also from one of my all-time favorite albums, Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables (the cover of Viva Las Vegas totally rocks, I used to blare it when I was driving home from work in high school in that big ole truck that we got after my Grandpa died, but that's another story).
After searching on WikiNazi for the story behind "California Uber Alles", I looked up a little more about the history of the band. I found out that the classic rock song "Pull My Strings" was written to mock an awards show that the group was invited to perform at. Basically, they were invited to The Bay Area Music Awards to give the show some "New Wave Credibility".
NOTE TO READERS:
DK is a punk band, not a new wave band. My friend Jim, who lived through that period and remembers it quite well, still talks about how much he hates "Waveos" or "New Wave Kids" who liked Duran Duran and were always trying to score cocaine.
So, DK sat down and composed "Pull My Strings" to mock the show. They only played it the one time, but it's on the compilation Give Me Convenience Or Give Me Death, which I highly recommend.

Dr. Funnypants II

2007-09-24T17:38:00.000-05:00

The saga of Dr. Funnypants is one that all the school-children know. It's a required class for public school and private and home-schooled students. Everyone must learn the saga of Dr. Funnypants, but there are some things that the children never learn.
For example, in 1998, Dr. Funnypants took a cross-country trip to find himself. He had just found his presidential candidate for the 2000 election, and he wanted to make sure that he could mentally and emotionally get behind his goals. Dr. Funnypants started his trip in Austin, Texas and ended up in Lions Bay, Washington. Dr. Funnypants ended up there because the driver he hired to take him to San Diego, California couldn't read a map and refused to drive West. The driver was always suspicious of the West, being a Chinaman he couldn't help it. So, the driver took Dr. Funnypants North and Dr. Funnypants learned a great deal.
In Lions Bay, Dr. Funnypants met people he didn't particularly care for, poor people. Dr. Funnypants decided that the country would be better off without poor people. Well, sort of. Dr. Funnypants didn't like that poor people knew enough to exercise their constitutional rights and participate in elections. This prevented rich people from running the country for themselves and shafting poor people at every turn. Dr. Funnypants knew that the best thing to do would be to kill the poor people quickly, but then he realized that if he did that, he wouldn't have people to do everyday things like drive him West (even though that didn't work out too well).
Dr. Funnypants decided that the best thing to do would be to make poor people poorer and dumber to make them more amenable to his will and to the will of other rich people. His plan was simple, he would end education for poor people. It couldn't be done over night, but slowly, over time, he would cut back on funding until those who could afford private schools, as well as those home-schooled (crazy religious people), were the only people being educated. A bold plan, yes, but "bold" is Dr. Funnypants' middle name!*

*Actually, Dr. Funnypants has no legal middle name. It changes to best fit the story told about him. He's very accomodating that way.

What Did Erica Get Me Involved In?

2007-09-23T07:32:00.001-05:00

OK, so Erica highly recommended The Incarnations of Immortality series and I took her up on it. They are written by Piers Anthony, and I just finished the first installment, On A Pale Horse. When I was doing a Google image search (for what I don't remember), I came across this picture:
Now, what the hell is this about? Is Piers Anthony some sort of sick, twisted child molester? Are there hidden codes in his novels about the joys of molesting children? By reading one of his books am I automatically a member of NAMBLA?
I read On A Pale Horse very, very carefully and I only found one thing about child molesting. This woman took advantage of a younger boy who was very curious about sex, but Piers didn't endorse it, he said that the woman should have known better than to take advantage of a boy that age.
I also did several Google searches on Piers Anthony and child molesting and pedophilia, and I found out that he wrote a novel called Firefly in which he got a great deal of criticism for an unusually graphic scene involving pedophilia. Some have interpreted this to mean that Piers Anthony is a pedophile and that he has no problem with pedophilia. These accusations have dogged his career, just check his website. Oh, and apparently pedophiles really like Piers Anthony.
While I haven't read the novel in question and don't want to vouch for it, I would guess that he presented it in a way that went over people's heads or he chose to present it in an unusual way to get people to get reactions from people, I doubt that he's actually in favor of pedophilia. I'm of the conclusion that this is just a really funny picture, especially with the crying cherub, that will make me laugh for a long time coming. But, Erica, if I start getting letters from NAMBLA, I'm coming for you!
Also, Erica, you can probably clarify this for me, am I totally off base here, or is Piers a closet pedophile?

Patriotic Ferver

2007-09-22T08:04:00.001-05:00

With all the recent posts about how fuct up America is, I caught the fever and decided to post this. Enjoy!

Iranian President Wants To Visit Oval Office

2007-09-21T07:30:00.000-05:00

ROYTERS --

Iranian President Mahmoud (sp?) Ahmadenijad (sp?) shocked the nation by requesting permission to visit Ground Zero. After having his request denied, Ahmadenijad (sp?) took his antics to another level by requesting to visit the Oval Office during business hours. "Durka durka Muhammad jihad! Jihad! Burka jihad!" Ahmadenijad (sp?) explained. "Suicide bomb, nuclear material, radical fundamentalism, jihad jihad! No Holocaust, death to Jews, burka durka durka!"
President Bush refused to allow Ahmadenijad (sp?) to vist, but not for the reason that most people would expect. "It's really quite simple," said White House Spokesperson Dana Perino, "Terrorist dude wants to visit during business hours, and as evidenced by the War in Iraq, we don't have business hours. We show up at about 1:00pm after drinking and snorting coke all night and wing it. Some people would say that's unethical, but I think that 3,000 plus screaming American soldiers can't be wrong."

Too Many Keys

2007-09-19T21:18:00.000-05:00

OK, so last week, the starter on my truck stopped working. I could no longer get the key to turn in the ignition from the lock position, although I realized that if I left it in the position just before lock, it'd be OK and I'd still be able to start the car. However, I quickly outsmarted myself and turned the key to the lock position, locked my car up, and quickly decided to get the starter replaced. And, yes, I hired someone to do it for me. I'm too much of a wuss to fiddle with the starter myself.
When I got my truck back, I got a new set of keys with it. My old ones don't work in the ignition, but they do work for the doors while my new cars work in the ignition but not in the doors. As a result I now have two keys for one car. It quickly brought to mind that old saying "Too many cooks can spoil the broth." While that saying is very true, you have to be pretty dumb to fuck up broth, I mean, it's broth! But, that old saying really got me thinking about when too many people got together and ruined something and I decided to update the old saying to fit it with modern times:

"Too many necons can spoil the Fertile Crescent".

"Too many lies can ruin your Presidency."

"Too many blow jobs can ruin your Presidency."

"Too many accountants can cook your books."

"Too many ballots can ruin an election."

"Too many prequels can ruin your sequels."
"Too many Jesus Freaks can ruin your afternoon."

"Too many cousin marriages can ruin your run for the Presidency."

A Bad Book

2007-09-18T15:01:00.000-05:00

I've finished my most recent read, Something from the Nightside. How I ended up reading the book is slightly more interesting than the book (although both are fairly boring), so I'll tell you how I ended up reading it as opposed to explaining what sucked about the book.
In my Secured Transactions class, the professor was making a point about how secured creditors get an interest in just about everything derived from the original collateral. He says to the class, "Has anyone read The Discworld Series by Terry Pratchett?" No one raised their hand, so I slowly raised mine, once again suffering the pain of being outed as a total nerd. He then used the "Turtles All The Way Down" joke to explain how proceeds work.
A few days later, I went up to his office and told him that if he likes Terry Pratchett, he'd probably like Jim Butcher's The Dresden Files. Turns out the guy is a big fan and we started talking books. He recommended The Nightside Series, which are buy this "author" named Simon R. Green.
First, "author" is a word with a big definition. It basically means anyone who can put pen to paper and then trick someone into publishing their work. Second, being an "author" doesn't mean that you are a good "author". As a matter of fact, there is a difference between being a good author and just an author (here's a second clip, just for fun). It's kind of like the difference between anal sex with lubrication and anal sex without. And this "Simon R. Green" is anal sex without lubrication, painful, bloody, and best forgotten. Oh, he also leaves your dick covered in shit (here's another funny link).
Here are some examples:
You know, what, forget the examples. I won't make you suffer. Also, if you like Simon R. Green, then I apologize for badmouthing him so much. And, yes, the real reason that I'm so mad is because I kept reading the book instead of just giving up about (15) pages into it like I should have. I just thought that it would be rude to stop reading a book that someone loaned to me. Stupid, I know. So, sorry, Mr. Green, for pointing out how much you suck.

Another Family Law Story

2007-09-17T06:23:00.000-05:00

I don't want you to think that Family Law is all bad, so here's a good story about it.
For an assignment on the duties that spouses owe to each other, we read this case in Family Law about this husband who needed round-the-clock care but didn't want to be in a nursing home. The guy wanted to stay at home and to have his wife wait on him. She really didn't want to do it, which made sense because, from what little about the marriage was in the case, it seemed like she was much younger and he married a trophy wife. Anyway, the two had a prenup that kept her from inheriting most of the property, so she said she would take care of him if she got just about everything he owned.
The court said that husbands and wives owe each other a duty of loyalty and care. This requires the wife to take care of the husband and prevents them for contracting between each other to have one care for the other when sick.
I personally thought that was bullshit. I mean, a wife HAS to PERSONALLY care for a husband when he's sick like that? The court tried to say "No" that she could have someone else do it, but that wasn't really the way the case came down. Also, the wife could have left the marriage and there was nothing he could do about it. You see, the case basically encourages spouses in that situation to threaten to leave the marriage in order to get a reconciliation agreement from the other spouse. That'll be enforced, but the agreement between the parties here won't be.
Wifey didn't feel bad for the wife in the case, though. You see, Wifey has a philosophy about what a woman needs to do to be a good wife. According to Wifey, all good wives need to be:

1) A maid

2) A secretary

3) A prostitute

I pointed out to her that list doesn't include being a nurse. Wifey said that a maid includes a nurse. I pointed out to her that a maid is not a nurse. She said that a maid is a nurse. I looked up "maid" in the "dictionary" and found out that "maid" has several definitions, one of which could easily incorporate "nurse".
A "maid" is defined as:

1) An unmarried girl or woman

2) A virgin

3) A woman servant

4) A housemaid or chambermaid

See, almost any of those women could easily transfer over into being a nurse.

I can also see why your average guy would like having all those women rolled up into his wife. Wifey's so smart. But when is she going to call all her friends over?

Democrats Accused of Playing Politics

2007-09-14T06:50:00.000-05:00

ROYTERS --

President Bush and his Republican allies in the Senate have recently accused the Democrats of playing politics again. And it is not about the Iraq War, the War on Terror, abortion, or any other key Republican issues. No, the Democrats have been accused of playing politics, with politics.
"It's really despicable when you think about," said White House Spokesperson Tony Snow, "The Democrats will take any of your hot-button purely political issues and turn them into politics. Instead of using thirty-second sound bites to discuss complex political issues, the Democrats are just completely being political animals about all of it. It's really pathetic. The country elected the Democrats to run cheap campaign ads, and they aren't even trying. They're just being political. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment with Death."*
Democrats were too stunned to respond to the startling accusations. House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi responded with a statement noting that political issues are supposed to be political and that the Republicans need to quit living in "La-La" Land. Sen. Harry Reid prayed to his Mormon Overlords for guidance while running from Sen. Larry Craig who tried to tap his feet in the Senate bathroom. Sen. Craig issued a statement saying that he may, possibly, perhaps, at a date in the future, think about thinking about thinking about resigning. Republican presidential candidates also chimed in.
"You see it again and again," said Sen. John McCain, "The Democrats play politics with everything. They go after Alberto Gonzales for no reason. Just a man doing his job, and the Democrats attack him."
Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani echoed Sen. McCain. Giuliani noted that the Democrats tried to play politics with President Bush for commuting for Vice-Presidential Chief of Staff Lewis I. "Scooter" Libby's sentence. "You know, there's a judge abusing his discretion by following the sentencing guidelines to a 'T' and what happens when President Bush substitutes his judgment for the judge's? Well the Democrats get upset . . . Oh, wait, it sounds like President Bush was actually the one playing politics. Why the hell didn't the Democrats do anything about it? Oh, I know why! They were too busy playing politics. It's disgusting."
Several Democratic Presidential candidates spoke out on the issue. Sen. Barack Obama noted that none of this would have happened had Senate Democrats showed more foresight and prevented the Iraq War. Sen. Joe Biden, after hearing Obama's comment, said "Big shock, Obama pulling the Iraq card. That guy's worse than a broken record. At least with a broken record, you can turn the record player off." Sen. Hillary Clinton complained of the vast right-wing conspiracy that accuses everyone of playing politics. Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) continued to text peace to the United States Senate in hopes of ending the Iraq War.
In an unrelated story, Former Senator Mike Gravel was committed today.

*That was a cheap joke at Tony Snow's expense. But I just want to go on record and say that I feel terrible watching his body age rapidly over the course of a few months. It's sad to watch and I hope that things work out for him. The staff at Why I Have High Blood Pressure is thinking of him and certainly his family. I can't imagine the pain that they're going through and I feel for them.

What I Learned In School

2007-09-12T17:57:00.000-05:00

I’m taking Family Law this year. As part of our assigned reading on prenuptial agreements, we had a blurb about Barry Bonds’ divorce and his prenup. Apparently, he married some Scandinavian chick and they signed the prenup in Bonds’ lawyer’s office while on their way to catch a flight to Vegas for their wedding. The deal shafted Mrs. Bonds, and he proceeded to give her the shaft when they divorced. She argued that the whole thing was coercive, but the California Supreme Court didn’t buy it. They let Bonds give her the shaft.

In class, we talked about whether it was coercive. This was the interesting part, not because of whether it was coercive, but because of what the teacher said about the Scandinavian woman. First, she said something like, “So Bonds marries this supermodel from Scandinavia.”

FACT: There is no such country. Scandinavia is a region comprised of several Northern European countries.

The teacher goes on and notes that one reason you have to be concerned about the signing of this document is that “She’s from Scandinavia and English is probably her second language. She speaks Scandinavian and probably broken English. So, people are telling her what it means and she will have no way to verify what they’re saying is true.”

FACT: There is no “Scandinavian” language. Each country that makes up the Scandinavian region has its own language.

FACT: Most “Scandinavians” actually speak English and speak it well. For example, English is the predominant second language in Denmark and it is also a required school subject, it is widely spoken in Norway, and it is common in Sweden.

FACT: Teacher is an idiot.

Look At What I Found

2007-09-11T07:58:00.000-05:00

As I was rummaging through my old posts trying to get the facts right for my last post, I found this.

Apparently, this is Dr. Funnypants. I'm not quite sure exactly what he does/did, but I thought that he was so cool that he needed to make a second appearance on the ole blog. I've decided to put together a backstory for Dr. Funnypants, so here goes . . .

Dr. Funnypants is not a real doctor, he is not even a comedian. But how did he become Dr. Funnypants? Simple, he is insane. Committed at the age of (13), the staff named him "Dr. Funnypants" because of his obsession with parachute pants. Dr. Funnypants took this name and ran with it, vowing that he would make the derisive nickname his own, refusing to let others define him.
After (3) years at the mental institution, Dr. Funnypants escaped. Not sure what to do with his life, Dr. Funnypants embarked on a career as a web-designer. After designing several hilarious websites, Dr. Funnypants learned the power of information. Realizing that the person who controls information controls the world, Dr. Funnypants used his small fortune to buy several media outlets. Starting with radio and then moving into newspapers, Dr. Funnypants ammassed a small media army.
Not content with filtering the news so that people would believe what he wanted them to believe, Dr. Funnypants decided to embark on a political career. Despite Dr. Funnypants' mental illness, he realized that he had no future in politics and regretted legally changing his name to Dr. Funnypants. However, Dr. Funnypants refused to let this hold him back and assumed the role of king-maker. During a trip to Texas, Dr. Funnypants met an interesting yet simple man in a truckstop bathroom. After an awkward introduction, Dr. Funnypants learned that the man was actually Governor of Texas and aspired to the Presidency.
Realizing that this man had no shot whatsoever at becoming President, Dr. Funnypants decided that if he could somehow get the Governor elected, he would be viewed as the greatest political strategist in history. Dr. Funnypants lept at the challenge and immediately went to work building the political machine necessary to elect the bumbling fool President of the United States.

Did Dr. Funnypants get the Governor elected? How did he go about setting up his political machine? Did his toe-sucking fetish get in the way? Tune in next week to find out, same Dr. Funnypants time, same Dr. Funnypants channel!

Wifey Wants To Stab Me

2007-09-09T09:54:00.000-05:00

That really has nothing to do with what this post is about. I said a while back that I would be updating my blog roll soon, and I have finally gotten off my lazy arse and done it. So, here are the following additions to the blog roll:

1) Mutterings of a Mad Bookseller -- Colonel Colonel gives you an odd mix of what is going on his life as well as delving deeply into his sexual fantasies with llamas. He also has somewhat regular political commentary. He's actually a ROYTERS subsidiary.
2) Old Fish and Lemonade -- Jedi MacFan never stops his whining and bitching. It's kind of entertaining, I guess. He also has bad taste in television. Despite Jedi's many flaws, he's been crucial in providing graphics for Joey's presidential run, Polanski U, and for the PSI team.
3) The Daily Narcissist -- she shows her tits over at Sara Sue's blog. That gets you an automatic link over here. She also introduces you to a variety of music on Fridays.
4) Erica's Blog -- Erica is a writer. She keeps you up to date on what is going on with her constant struggle to finish her book. She has a lot of posts about what it's like to be a writer, which is a nice change of pace from the usual stick figure porn that we get over here.
5) Alternate Kettle of Fish -- Alt. Fish is also an aspiring writer. She keeps you up to date on the literary world and her own world. She's currently in England.
6) The Chicky World of Mother Hen -- I find it hard to describe her blog. It's just damned appealing for reasons that I just cannot put into words. Read it, love it, and do it NOW. And don't let the fact that she's currently on vacation confuse you, she's a frequent poster (high quality, too).

So, those are the six new additions to the blog roll. I hope that they will keep up the blogging and keep on coming over here and making comments on my crappy posts. Well, except for Jedi MacFan, he sucks ass. Of course, none of this would be possible were it not for one reader who has been largely responsible for bringing in most of my readers, Joey Polanski. Joey first surfaced at Why I Have High Blood Pressure here, post number eight. I'm not sure how he came over to my blog or why he came over, but for quite a while, he was my only regular reader. Shortly, though, he brought Tom Serafini over, giving me a loyal readership of two.
After that, Dr. Murk came over, as did Hobbs, and eventually, Malach (who has been around for so long, I'm not sure where he first showed up, but I think it was here), Cissy, Mike, Phoebe, Sara Sue, and the others. But as you can see, those are all people that I found through Joey directly, or in the case of Malach, Sara Sue, and Phoebe, through a Joey friend. I've had non-Polanski folks before, but they've been less likely to stay for long periods of time, except for C.Rag and Cash, but I've got a lot of hope for Erica, Alt. Fish, and The Real Mother Hen.
So, Joey, thank you for somehow stumbling onto my crappy blog when it was in its infancy and bringing all your friends on over. I doubt few of you have gone back and looked at the ole blog, other than Sara Sue, but it really has changed a great deal in large part because of everyone who's come on over. The readership has certainly helped make my blog what it is today (total shit).

Survivor China Retooled At Last Minute

2007-09-08T19:22:00.000-05:00

ROYTERS --

Survivor China will undergo some last minute alterations to the format, but CBS expects the show to meet the planned premiere date. In a statement to the press, Les Moonves explained that the only change is to the season's final competition.
"After a few tests it became apparent that having the contestants survive a tank in Tiananmen Square was not practical," Moonves said. "We didn't think that it would be that hard to run a tank over someone and have them live, but after thirteen tests, we realized we had to go in a different direction."
Producers of Survivors are scrambling to come up with another competition that will match the drama of a human trying to survive a tank. Moonves' preferred choice would be to have the contestants survive a self-immolation battle, but test shoots have also been disastrous. Media insiders report that the likely alternatives are building a wall to defeat a Mongol horde and surviving a recreation of the Rape of Nanking. CBS does not favor either alternative because of the costs involved.
"Look, if you go with the giant horde and the wall," explained Moonves, "That's just going to cost a lot of money. Same if you pay a bunch of Japs to come rape a Chinese village. And thanks to Katie Couric, we're really short of cash. That's why the tank was so damned appealing. One, it was pretty cheap. Two, man versus tank, it's the ultimate battle. It's one of literature's core plots."
CBS had briefly considered having the contestants try and free Tibet, but scrapped the idea when it realized that no one in the United States cares about Tibet or knows what it is.

Petraeus Report

2007-09-06T07:43:00.000-05:00

ROYTERS --

The contents of the much anticipated Gen. Petraeus report on Iraq have been obtained in advance of the report. The contents are shocking.
"There is no war in Iraq," Gen. Petraeus boldly proclaims on the first page of the report. "In fact, not only is there no American war in Iraq, there has never been an American War in Iraq. American troops were never, ever, never, ever in Iraq, not even during the mythical Gulf War of the first Bush Administration. Constant reports of American soldiers dying, of a civil war, and a U.S.-led invasion of the Middle Eastern country are little more than lies told by a desperate liberal media to boost its sagging ratings. The Democratic Party, which recently allied its forces with Satan, is also behind this misinformation."
"Yes, yes, it's true, there is not, nor has there even been, a war in Iraq," a smiling President Bush said in response to questions about the leaked report. "Just look in the impartial, fair-and-balanced report written by General Petraeus. The war just doesn't exist, and frankly, I can't for the life of me figure out why this became such a big issue. I mean, why get all worked up about a war that never happened? This just goes to show that you cannot trust the Democrats to tell you the truth. They will say anything whatsoever to win an election, and that is despicable."
President Bush went on to note several other lies that the Democrats told about him including hyping "pre-war" intelligence about Saddam Hussein's nuclear capabilities, Bush's supposed declaration that the mission in Iraq was accomplished, and Dixie Chicks lead singer Natalie Maines saying that the Dixie Chicks were ashamed that President Bush is from Texas.
"The Chicks never said anything like that, and I don't know why they acted like they did. I mean, what the hell is the point of their album anyway? You know that you must be pretty desperate to sell records when you drop to the level of making up lies about what you said about the President. But, it's been good for their careers, I guess. No one had even heard of them before all that."
President Bush also took issue with his administration supposedly outing CIA operative Valerie Plame. "I don't even think that she's a real person. Hillary probably paid her to do all of this. In fact, I think that Hillary and Plame are lovers. Their first names rhyme, after all."
General Petraues responded to his report with a simple statement. "I didn't fucking write the goddamned thing! It's a total partisan piece of shit that isn't worth the paper it's fucking printed on. Why the hell do people care so much about my report when I'm not even writing the fucking thing? This administration has been wrong or lied about everything related to the war, so why do you think that they'll start telling the truth now? Face it, we're fucking screwed!"
White House Spokeswoman Dana Perino quickly responded and noted that General Petraeus never existed and that the Communist-Democratic-Redskin-British Alliance were responsible for the myth of Gen. Petraeus.

Movies That Were So Bad

2007-09-04T13:58:00.000-05:00

They were good.

In regards to a prior post, my mother pointed out that Cujo was so bad that it was, in fact, good. I told her I hadn't thought about it like that before and then readily agreed with her assessment. This got me thinking about other movies that were so bad that they, too, were good. Here's what I have so far:
1) Plan 9 From Outer Space -- how can you not say this was good? I mean, when they have the Bela Lugosi character die off frame, you can't help but recognize the film's brilliance.
2) The Warriors -- CAN YOU DIG IT?
3) Logan's Run -- Cash may not agree with this, given all the cats that are outside the city, but still.
4) Tron -- the red and green guys, 'nuff said. Wait, you know what? This movie totally rocked. It's off the list.
5) This Island Earth -- "Perhaps you've noticed the large indentation in their foreheads".
6) Battlefield Earth -- when the 2,000 year-old fighter jets are being flown by the humans, you have to fall in love with this total piece of shit.
7) Head -- Jack Nicholson's greatest triumph.
8) Rocky IV -- from James Brown singing Living in America to Rocky chopping wood to prepare for the fight to Drago saying "I must break you" to Rocky single-handedly bringing an end to the Cold War, this is, arguably, the greatest movie ever made. EVER.
9) Dick Tracy -- this may just be out-and-out bad, I'm not sure, I haven't seen it in a while.
10) Masters of the Universe -- Dolph Lundgren strikes again, bitches!
11) Filthy Guy -- it's a Korean martial arts film. Find it, watch it, love it.
12) The Wizard -- totally awesome movie. Gave you a cheat for Mario Brothers Three. I used the hell out of that warp.
13) The Last Starfighter -- I remember this being hella sweet, but I'm not sure that it would hold up as well on a second viewing.
Input?
Oh, and I put up pics of C.Rag's sexual fantasy. Check the box just below my profile.

C.Rag Gets Her Cumuppance

2007-09-03T15:20:00.000-05:00

For some reason, C.Rag has started a blogger war with me. She's been calling me "AngryTurd" and "ButSmeller" and "ButtLicker", but she took it too far when she insulted my mama. So, to get her back, I created a new page element just below my blogger profile. It will be completely dedicated to insulting C.Rag. The first one is titled "C.Rag's Day Job". Enjoy!

Very, Very Confusing

2007-09-02T09:43:00.000-05:00

I just watched The Dead Zone last night and it never ceases to amaze me how many bad films there are based on Stephen King novels. Sure, there are a lot of good ones, like Shawshank, Carrie (which is a little hokey), The Green Mile, and The Shining, but there are a hell of a lot of bad ones. Think of Pet Sematary, Cujo, Secret Window, The Langoliers, and the following movies which I liked as a kid but I'm sure will be bad on a second viewing, Christine and The Lawnmower Man. Oh, and I haven't seen Misery. But why is it that there are so many out-and-out lousy movies based on, from what I understand, are pretty entertaining novels/short stories? Not having read much Stephen King, I can't begin to tell you why. Since I'm about half-way through the novel of The Dead Zone, I have a theory, but I'll wait to extrapolate that into a blog post once I'm done.
This isn't unique to Stephen King, though, it happens all the time to Elmore Leonard, one of my favorite authors. Get Shorty was very, very funny and really captured what makes Leonard's novels so much fun to read. It had all the quirky dialogue and bizarre little bits of trivia. It also captured the character's desire for more than what their life gave them. Few other Leonard movies have done that. While Jackie Brown had its moments, it just never really came together as a film. The film version of Hombre was interesting, but if I hadn't enjoyed the novel so much, I probably wouldn't have kept watching the movie.
What went wrong with those films? Well, it's pretty simple, they tried to have a plot. Leonard's novels aren't plot based, they are character based. What keeps you reading one of his novels is the very, very detailed character development that he does. The plot is certainly secondary and more or less irrelevant. And taking one of his stories and putting a plot on it can be very tricky. If you put in the plot at the expense of the dialogue, what made Leonard's minimal plot work falls apart. Too much plot kills the unique little story, it takes out the longing of the characters to escape from where they are and do something more, be it the ultimate crime or a getting into a completely new career. Soderbergh did a great job balancing the two in Out of Sight. I don't really count that one, though, because Leonard put more of a plot into that story than he did in his other stories. But Soderbergh was smart enough to follow it, so I will give him points after all.
Maybe Stephen King's novels suffer from the same problem, maybe not. But once I get a few more under my belt, I'll let you know my theories.

Coffee Again?

2007-08-30T08:39:00.000-05:00

I used to drink two cups of coffee every morning, but I stopped once I had my wisdom teeth out. Not being able to consume any hot beverages weened me of my coffee habit. However, every time I work at an office that has free coffee, I find that I take advantage of it. It's not so much that I want the coffee, it's that I have a hard time turning down free things. This summer was no exception and I found myself consuming coffee on a somewhat regular basis. It's had me seriously debating whether to go back to coffee or not.
The main reason that I've been reluctant to do so is the cost of getting a coffee maker. I know that they aren't that expensive, but I'm about as tight with money as you can be and I don't want to spend the money. And if I decide to get a coffee maker, I'll want to get a good one, so it'll end up costing me.
But, I've found a temporary way around this problem. I'm working in a legal clinic this school year and it has a coffee maker. I can use that in the morning, which would leave coffee and filters as my only outlays (which I may be able to get the school to reimburse me for). If I do that, the only real issue is which coffee to go with. I used to drink Chock Full O' Nuts, but I think that maybe I should try new things. So, I'm asking for advice, which coffee should I drink? Choose from the following:

1) John Edwards Coffee -- it gives you the haircut of a twelve year-old boy, which is almost always in perfect shape, and stops you from showing signs of age.

2) Hillary Clinton Coffee -- it gives you a big ass, a fondness for pantsuits, and a shrill voice. It also makes you pretty sharp in debates.

3) Al Sharpton Coffee -- it makes you a fat loudmouth.

4) Rudy Giuliani Coffee -- it makes you a philanderer and a liar and may give you prostate problems.

5) Mitt Romney Coffee -- you know what? I'll just stay away from this one. I don't need the religious police coming after me.

Be Cautious with Digital Cameras

2007-08-29T16:01:00.000-05:00

I know that I probably sound like an old, loser parent who has no friends and has never had fun in his life, but you really need to be cautious with the pictures you take with a digital camera (or any camera for that matter). Let me tell you a story . . .
My mother came up to visit recently. We were sitting around drinking some White Russians and she wanted to see pictures from me and Wifey's Christmas trip to Arizona. Specifically, she wanted to see what our nephews looked like. After seeing those pictures, she noticed some more pictures of Wifey and I at different law school events and wanted to see those. Then she noticed a picture of me with my beard (which I'm growing back now that school's started up and I no longer have to shave) and wanted to see it.
Insert slight problem.
For some reason, the folder with my beard pics also had some pics of Wifey's boobs as well as a pic of one of Wifey's nipples. It was a side-boob shot and her nipple was rather pointy. Strangely enough, you would think that my mother would lecture me about taking pics like that, but she didn't. Why? Because I didn't take those pics, Wifey took those pics! That's right, Wifey took the pics of her boobs and her nipple. She took them right after we got our digital camera and she wanted to see what all she could do with it. I guess she never had a Polaroid before.
It was kind of odd to have to rush past those pics and tell my mother to look away and to not look at Wifey's nipple, but it was too late, she already saw it. Wifey was a little embarrassed, but my mother joked that she was proud that her daughter-in-law had nice boobs. Fortunately we were all drinking at the time, so my mother may not even remember this, but still, be careful in the future when you are taking photos. I mean, you may not want one of your parents to have to see your Wifey's boobs. And for God's sake, at least do a better job hiding the fucking pics on your computer! COME ON!!!

Changes

2007-08-27T15:51:00.000-05:00

I'm removing some folks from the ole blog roll; the bloggers just haven't gone beyond their own blogs and won't join the club. So, Minor Ripper is gone, as is I Buy Books, SQ, and Charles' Blog. I have a few bloggers that I'm keeping my eye on, so we may get a few added in four to six weeks. I'm very, very happy with what I've seen so far, but I won't add them just yet. I'm not going to be rushing to link anyone to the the blog roll anymore, I'm going to be patient and wait.
Recently, I've been on a push to add some new bloggers from beyond the Realm of Polanksi, and I just can't believe how hard it is to find a good, reliable blogger. I've got three non-Polanskis that I'm looking at right now, which is down from six just recently (I also have a few Polanskis I'm going to add shortly). I had been looking at three others who posted regularly and responded to my comments on their blogs, but they just haven't left their own blogs, they won't come over to Why I Have High Blood Pressure and meet Joey and Mike and C.Rag and Malach and Phoebe and Cissy and Sara Sue and all the rest. That's really why I keep blogging, I like the conversations that I build up with all the other bloggers out there. I like getting to know all you folks and I like you getting to know me. So, if some bloggers just stay in their own world, that's cool and all, but it just isn't what I'm in to. I'm not going to spend my blogging time with people who are doing different things; I think Polanski would call them selfish/self-absorbed bloggers.
Oh, and let me explain why it is that I'm trying to move beyond the Realm of Polanski. The goal is to bring in some new blood to the blogging family. While I love the readers that Polanski has been responsible, in whole or in part, for bringing over to my blog, and I would certainly welcome more, I think that it would be great to have some totally brand new faces and points of view over here. This, of course, should not be read to mean that I don't want my current readers to stop reading my blog, it just means that I want to expand the blog a little and get some new folks over here. I hope that they'll move beyond my blog, too, and will start reading my regulars' blogs.
We'll just have to wait and see.
Oh, and I also added Mike's new blog about barely legal Asian women going at it. Oh, what, that's not what it's about? It's about Myth vs. Reality? Well, that's close enough.

Will Vick Play (QB) Again?

2007-08-25T06:46:00.001-05:00

Personally, I would be happy if Vick never took the field again, what he did is just flat horrible, no way around it. But, let's face it, Vick does have some football skills and some owner somewhere will be willing to take a risk and bring him back. We've seen it happen before and we'd be foolish to think that it won't happen again.
As if to prove my point, the debate has already begun about whether Vick should be allowed to play in the NFL again. The NAACP, who is quickly turning into an illegitimate media whore, has even thrown its two cents in and thinks that Vick should play again and, in a moment of epic stupidity, that Vick should play for the Falcons.
Wait a minute, are they serious? The Falcons should welcome back a player who lied, lied, and lied some more about his involvement about with dogfighting? The Falcons should welcome back a player who couldn't get his head straight and has now set the team back at least three years (his inconsistent play didn't move the team forward, but that's another post)? Get over yourself, NAACP, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
There is no way Vick will come back to play for the Falcons, there's no trust there. Trust is the one thing that you absolutely have to have if you play quarterback. The team has to know that they can trust you, and you have to be able to earn people's trust. Vick, in my opinion, is not capable of either at this point. If he plays in the NFL again, it won't be as a quarterback. So, if not quarterback, then where will he play?
There has been some suggestion that Vick will be used as a wingback, a Reggie Bush-type back, and as a kick returner. Frankly, I don't see that happening. If Vick is suspended by the NFL and serves that suspension concurrently with his jail sentence, he'll be almost thirty when he's eligible to return, and few backs have ever put up consistently good numbers after turning thirty. Since that option is basically off the table, I think the only remaining position for Vick is wide receiver.
Wide receiver would actually be a good place to utilize Vick's best skills, his speed and his maneuverability. He could be a decoy on fake reverses or double reverses, he could also line up in the backfield and they could do fake handoffs or fake snaps to him. He could also be used to make halfback passes and the like. However, Vick may not be able to run routes well enough and take hits consistently enough to be a starting wide receiver. I also don't see him blocking down the field as part of the running game, do you? I mean, the guy has been riddled with injuries his whole career, so you can't expect too much of him when it comes to taking and delivering hits.
Because of those issues, I think it's pretty clear that Vick will have to come in the game as a slash-type player who will be running routes out of the slot. He'll be a third or fourth wide receiver at best and will have to adjust to not being the focus of the game plan. He'll have to struggle and work to regain what he lost and it'll be very hard for him.
And if he ever plays again in the NFL, you can best fucking bet that this NFL fan and dog-lover will NEVER watch a game with him in it.

Odd Habbit

2007-08-24T06:59:00.000-05:00

As you know from the column to your right, I read a lot of books. I recently noticed that I've started keeping track, while I read, of how many pages I have left to go. So, if I have a 300 page novel and I'm on page 148, I'll find myself saying, "Only 739 more to go". I think that the reason that I do this is that I have a freaking huge list of books to read and I need to get through what I'm currently reading FAST. I mean it, I have a HUGE to read list. For those who don't believe and obviously just plain suck, here's an abbreviated list of said books:
1) Brave New World
2) Lord of the Flies
3) A Separate Peace
4) Several Kurt Vonnegut novels
5) What the Dead Know
6) Sputnik Sweetheart
7) Spook Country
8) The Human Stain
9) The Stand
10) The Dead Zone
OK, that's enough, you get the idea (and if you don't, then you're probably not that smart). I need to find a way to reduce the number of books on my "To Read" list. And this is especially important given that school has started up and I have a hell of a lot less free time. The easiest way is to reduce the number of books to read is probably to just read the books on the list, but that's also the least interesting method. I think that what I'll do is hire people to read the books for me and provide a summary of them. I guess it'll be a lot like being back in elementary school again, except for the fact that the books I have to read have sex and swearing (often at the same time) in them. Any takers on my attempt at farming out my "To Read" list? We can work out the pay after I see what quality of book reports you turn in. Just choose which novel you want to read and send me a book report. I'll be waiting.

Pleasant Surprises

2007-08-21T09:24:00.000-05:00

As part of a long trip this past weekend, I was exposed, or re-exposed, to two things that were shockingly good. The first was McDonald's coffee. About half-way into my road trip, I decided that I needed to stop and recharge the batteries. Wifey said that McDonald's coffee was really good now as part of some marketing gimmick to increase coffee sales. I, as usual, dismissed her as a rambling, idiot redhead. But, I decided to accept her challenge, largely because if she was wrong, I could rag her nonstop about it (which is something that I have done for about four years in regards to how our dog is bigger than her parents' dog), and I stopped at a McDonald's. I'll be damned, but it was some damned fine coffee. I mean, it wasn't the best coffee that I'd ever had, but it beat the shit out of your average cup of Starbucks coffee. It was so good that I found myself saying aloud, "Thank you, Mr. Java, for being so good to me" (if you get the reference, I'll be very surprised). I'm considering making it my regular stop for coffee, but I can't bring myself to deal with going to a McDonald's on a regular basis, so I probably won't end up getting their coffee that often. But you all should give it a shot.
The second surprise has resulted in me deciding to try and rediscover some bands from my early teenage years. Just a few miles from our destination, Wifey was playing with the radio dials and found a station playing an old song by The Offspring, Self-Esteem. I remembered that song being really good and told Wifey to stop and that we should listen to it. We caught the last half of it and Wifey and I had a discussion about whether The Offspring was a good band. From what I remembered, Smash was a good album, but their later work strayed from their unique punk sound and sucked (Ixnay on the Hombre, I'm looking at you!!!). Once we arrived at our destination, we located a copy of Smash, which has Self-Esteem on it, and burned a copy. We listened to it on the way back and thoroughly enjoyed it.
Now, just to reassure everyone that I am, in fact, an AngryMan, I did have an unpleasant surprise. I managed to come across a copy of Weezer's second album, Pinkerton, and, never having listened to it, I put it in the CD player. Talk about total shit!!! It had about three good songs, decent is probably a better word, and some interesting guitar sounds to it, but Wifey summed it up best when she said it was "Forgettable". It bordered on being experimental, but it wasn't bold enough to really become truly experimental. The album balanced a pop sound with a few interesting guitar solos, but it wasn't anything unique and it wasn't anything that I would consider interesting in and of itself. I also can't see it as being inspirational for any other band. I don't think that it was so bad that it should have almost caused Weezer to break-up, but it also isn't good enough to have a cult status. It just seemed like a collection of songs they wrote before the Blue Album that they threw together for an album without ever really thinking about what they were doing. I mean, that one Pink Triangle song is totally fucking retarded. COME ON!!!
Because I do like Weezer, I don't want those of you who haven't been exposed to Weezer to think that Pinkerton is representative of their work, so here is a very good Weezer song that will no doubt make you laugh and entertain you.
P.S. I got my first Neil Young album, too. I'm going to try to get a few more albums and then I'll probably getting around to posting about Neil Young. I liked the album I got, it's a best of.

Chuck Palahniuk was Right!!!

2007-08-19T14:43:00.000-05:00

The title may be a little odd, but follow me on this one, and it'll make sense (I hope).
The Cubs, who have somehow managed to get into first place in the NL Central, recently played the Reds at Wrigley Field. I couldn't recall the name of the Reds' stadium, so I looked it up and learned that the Reds play at Great American Ballpark. At first I said to myself:
"AngryMan, that's a great name for a stadium."
To which I responded:
"You think?"
To which I said:
"Of course, it's way better than Minute Maid Park, PETCO Park, Safeco Field, M&T Bank Stadium, and Bank of America Stadium, home of our team, the Panthers."
To which I queried:
"Dude, there's only one of us here. Um, you may want to get it together?"
After an extensive session of therapy in which the voices inside my head told the voices inside their heads to get a grip, and then resumed the conversation with myself.
"So, isn't the Great American Ballpark a great name for a stadium? It's not named after a company, it's just a name for a stadium. Man, that's wonderful."
"Um, dude, we probably shouldn't be speaking, but since we are, I'll let you in on a secret, the stadium is named for an insurance company, Great American Insurance Group."
I then realized that Chuck Palahniuk was really on to something when he wrote Fight Club. And I'm not talking about the social discontent, the materialism, and the need for a simpler life (and also how it sucks to have . . . Oh, I won't give away the ending), I'm talking about how corporations will name everything they can. Read the following excerpt from his novel:
"When deep space exploration ramps up, it'll be the corporations that name everything, the IBM Stellar Sphere, the Microsoft Galaxy, Planet Starbucks."
I just can't believe how dead-on he is about that. Think about what we do now, instead of naming places in honor of people or great accomplishments, we lease the rights away to corporations. The names of those corporations replace the heroes and the great accomplishments. The corporations become everyting and they are everywhere. Sure, maybe it's just done with ballparks and stadiums and civic centers now, but do you think it'll stop there? Hell no! I bet a lot of you work in buildings with names like "Bank X Plaza" or the "Insert Company Name Building". If they do that, don't you think they'll do it elsewhere? Why not do it in space? When we actually are capable of traveling throughout the deeps of space on intergalactic cruiseships, don't you think that the corporations will pay bank to have some loser tourguide say, "And on your left, you can see the Wal-Mart Nebula. It's been a nursery for stars for over eighteen billion years. And on your right, you can see the Exxon Blackhole."
All the names that we have for the stars, you know, the ones based on legends and myths and gods of old, will be replaced with our new legends, myths, and gods, the corporations. All our history will be sold off an auctioned to the highest corporate bidder. Kind of fucking lame, huh?
Man, do I sound like Tim Robbins or what?

It Is Really, Really Hot

2007-08-17T17:42:00.000-05:00

Man, is it hot out or is it just me? Thank God it has nothing to do with global warming, because if it did, I might question the basis of our industrial system. But anyway, I'm going to try to get my mind off the heat by telling myself it's not hot outside. You see, it's mind over matter, I'm putting myself in charge of my own comfort level. I won't let some pushy-ass thermometer tell me how I should feel, I will not let anyone or anything tell me that it is hot outside. NOTHING, I SAY!!!

OK, um, yeah, maybe it is just a little hot outside.

This Post is for Mike

2007-08-16T06:17:00.000-05:00

As you know from the column to your right ("Whatever, I Read What I Want!"), I am currently reading Will Clarke's Lord Vishnu's Love Handles: A Spy Novel (Sort Of). A few days ago, I came across a quote that is perfect for our alcoholic friend Mike. Here it is:
After all, she's the olive in my martini. The tasty morsel in a world that's bitter and cold.
Now, had Mike written that, it would have involved a gin and tonic, but, if you have a martini the proper way, you'd have it with gin, so it's close enough for Mike's drinking problem(s). The real question, though, is who would be the olive in his martini? If you've read Mike's blog, you know that he has a thing for chicks. I mean, he really, really likes to look at pictures of beautiful women (and who doesn't???), so choosing the olive woman is going to be a little tough to do. As a result, I am currently accepting nominations to choose the olive in Mike's martini.
Here is the list of women so far . . .
Christina Appelgate;
Cruella DeVille (it's at the bottom of the post);
Catherine Zeta Jones;
Two Chinese Lesbians;
This Chick;
Jessica Alba;
Trashy Porn Chicks; or
Carmen.
What do you think?

It's Football Time!

2007-08-14T12:20:00.000-05:00

That's right, folks, the NFL started up with preseason games. I don't particularly care for the preseason, but it can only mean that the NFL, pro football, the best pro sport around right now (college basketball is the best sport period), is about to come on television for about (5) glorious months. I can't wait. It should be a pretty good season. I hope that the Chargers put a run together and win the Super Bowl this year. Here are my expected highlights for the season:
1) Randy Moss causes the Patriots to implode in a blaze of glory so glorious that a new word will be made to describe it. I'm thinking Moglorirandyous. Thoughts? Also, I don't expect too much from the Pats' running game, but they should make the playoffs easily.
2) Delhomme will be out in Carolina and Carr will be in. However, that won't do that much unless the running game gets going. The Panthers have been loading up on RBs for the last few drafts, so now's the time. If the running game doesn't get going, Cowher will be at the top of the Panthers' list of replacements for John Fox.
3) Wade Phillips and the Cowboys are probably going to make the playoffs because the Redskins, the Giants, and the Eagles all have significant question marks. Further, the wild card will be up for grabs given the weakness of the Packers, the Vikings, the Panthers, the Bucs, the Rams, and, well, most of the NFC. But, even if the Cowboys make the playoffs, T.O. will find a way to make it a painful season and will force the dismantling of a good team that Parcells put together over the last four seasons.
4) The Raiders are pretty much going to still suck.
5) The Jets should have a pretty nice season (probably 10 wins). The Dolphins are lousy and the Bills have some question marks. The Jets, with Thomas Jones running the ball, should put up pretty good numbers and may well split the season series with the Pats (but that is certainly not a given). Look for Jones to make big gains with the Jets utilizing three wide-receiver sets.
6) Brett Farve will throw a million interceptions. He should have forced himself out of Green Bay to play for a contender, because he's not going to have that chance any time soon.
7) I will have fun when I go to see the Browns and Ravens play in Baltimore. It'll be the third stadium I've been to (Georgia Dome and Bank of America Stadium) and the seventh and eighth teams I've seen play. I'm excited.

Be Patient

2007-08-11T19:34:00.000-05:00

Sorry that I've been gone for so long. This week has been a little stressful and it's been full of saying goodbye to people at the firm that I worked for. However, the goodbyes are only temporary. I've been informally offered a full-time job after I finish law school, the formal offer will come in a letter next week. As you all know, this has been somewhat stressful for me, and I'm very, very glad that it's all over. The firm was extremely kind and sped up the offer process; instead of having to wait for a month, the firm made the decision while I was still working and let me know shortly before the summer finished. There were two other summer associates and they got offers, too. This type of speeding up thing almost never happens, and it's very rare that all of the summer associates get offers. I'm very, very happy to say the least.
So, I'm going to celebrate a little and may not have a good post for a while (although I may respond to Malach's tag, I'm mulling it). But don't worry, I'll be commenting on everyone's blog and I'll soon return to my old form. Also, The Bourne Ultimatum sucked. I saw it the first time when it was called The Bourne Identity.

No More Cormac McCarthy?

2007-08-06T19:46:00.000-05:00

On Saturday, I finished my first, and possibly last, novel by Cormac McCarthy. Blood Meridian was a very, very violent account of the American West. It was a very interesting telling of the time period and it had some very fascinating characters and some very interesting philosophical dialogue. However, I thought that it was unnecessarily violent in some respects. I understand that was the author's point, but there is such a thing as overkill. It happens all the time. Authors, filmmakers, playrights, and anyone else who is trying to be creative, will sometimes just overdo it. Eventually, you've made your point and continuing to make the point over and over again just has no point, it has no purpose.
My problem with the novel has to do with incidents involving the harm of dogs.
Before I continue, I need to explain something. I don't like the death penalty. I think that it's a terrible thing to do to someone. It's too expensive and the retribution serves no actual purpose. You can't manage the system fairly -- if black people murder white people, they are more likely to get the death penalty than white people who murder white people. And that's even accounting for over two hundred statistical variables regarding the violent nature of the offense. Next school year, I'll be working in a capital case clinic trying to defeat the death penalty.
Now, keep in mind that everything that I said is true, but if you hurt a dog, I think you should be shot. No appeals, no jury discretion, nothing but the death penalty. End of story. It's totally irrational, I know. I just don't care. Don't hurt a dog.
That being said, thisnovel involved the murder of four dogs. FOUR. I made it through the first two murders OK because I understood the point that was being made about the character involved. I didn't particularly care for it that much, but I swallowed my disgust and kept reading. The murder of the second two dogs was just too much to take, though. I almost stopped reading the book at that point. But I decided to keep going because I only had seventy pages left. The way that those two dogs were killed was so violent, so vicious, and so, so unnecessary given that the violence of the characters and the time period had already been established that I came close to getting physically ill. And, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT TO A DOG!!!
Another complaint is that the violence didn't seem natural, rather, it was forced. Very forced. Jack London's stories involve a great deal of violence and harm to dogs and other animals, but I'm not outraged by it, I'm not sickened. This is because the violence is natural, it makes sense. And when the violence is not natural, it shows. Think about when Buck was trained to be a fighting dog in Call of the Wild, it was disgusting and you were sickened by it. But when some of the dogs were murdered by other dogs, it fit, it made sense. An order had to be established, and if some dogs died, that was the price that had to be paid. But Blood Meridian did not have that order, it was just violence for violence's sake. It didn't work, it was pointless.
As a result of these outrageous incidents, I haven't decided whether to read another Cormac McCarthy novel. I'm not sure if The Road or No Country for Old Men has any sort of violence like Blood Meridian had, but I'm not sure that I want to give either of those novels a try.
Ideas?

Job Offer

2007-08-04T07:39:00.000-05:00

I am offering employment to Sara Sue. Sara Sue, you are welcome to come work at the law firm that currently employs me. You will replace a secretary who failed to forward an assignment from her boss, one of the most important attorneys in the firm, to the Summer Associates at the start of the summer when she received it. You will replace the secretary who, after an email went out stating that no one had contacted the attorney about the assignment, did nothing to uncover the problem. You will replace the secretary who went on vacation after failing to request that the needed files be taken out of storage. You will replace the secretary who has personally turned my life into hell by making me cram a summer-long project into one-and-a-half weeks!!!
The only problem is that I don't have hiring authority. But I'll work on that, I promise. Are you interested?

Temporarily Breaking My Boycott

2007-07-30T11:18:00.000-05:00

As you all know, I am a sci-fi fan. As you also know, I have been boycotting ABC for quite some time. However, I have to temporarily rescind my boycott as a result of ABC's decision to move forward with a sci-fi anthology show, Masters of Science Fiction. It's an ABC special that will air (4) episodes starting this August. It should be a decent mini-series and it has some pretty good actors lined up for the episodes. There are (2) other episodes that aren't scheduled to air as of yet, but we may be able to turn that around if we get the viewership going.
My only concern is that Stephen Hawking is scheduled to narrate, which makes me question ABC's commitment to the show. No knock on Hawking, but he's not really going to appeal to anyone outside of current sci-fi fans. Well, it won't be the first time that ABC makes a bad decision, but what can you do?
Here's the schedule as of now, currently Saturdays at 8/7c:
1) August 4 (A Clean Escape);
2) August 11 (The Awakening);
3) August 18 (Jerry Was a Man);
4) August 25 (The Discarded).
I'm hoping that you all will give it a shot. I mean, between C.Rag, Cash, Joey, Mike, Malach, Phoebe, Sara Sue, and Cissy Strutt, uh . . . Well, get your friends to watch it at least. And what the hell happened to Tomski? We just go him back and now he's gone again, WEEK!!!

Worth The Wait

2007-07-29T06:52:00.001-05:00

I was elected to lead, not to read!
-- President Arnold Schwarzenegger

Since 1989, I have been regularly stuck in front of the TV on Sunday nights at 8:00pm watching The Simpson's. I loved the climb of the show to the excellence from seasons 3-8 (thank you David Mirkin, Al Jean, Mike Reiss, Bill Oakley and Josh Weinstein), and then was upset as the show declined from seasons 9-12 when the show went off into bizarro-land under the tutelage of Mike Scully (who actually is a pretty good writer, but wasn't a positive influence on the direction of the show). Regardless of the decline, I kept watching. Recently, I've had mixed feelings about the return of Al Jean and Mike Reiss and some of the other great writers and producers from seasons past, but I've been pretty happy with the direction Al Jean has taken the show in. It's leaps and bounds ahead of where Mike Scully had it, even though it's a shell of its former self.
I've anticipated this movie for a long time. A few weeks ago, I saw a 7/11 selling Simpson's products, and I had to go in. I wouldn't have respected myself if I turned down a chance to get a Squishee. When I was walking to the counter, I noticed a six of Buzz Cola. Even though I've drastically cut down on my soda consumption, I had to buy it. I told the clerk "I'd think less of myself if I didn't buy it." Even though the soda is pretty terrible, I'm going to drink each and every one. I'm too dedicated not to.
Yesterday, Wifey, my mom and I went to see the movie. I was very worried about it. The show is (18) years old and it has been repeating old story lines and it appeared to steal several episodes from South Park this season. It's also become a show heavily focused on social commentary, and I've found those episodes to be fairly weak. Fortunately, the writers find a way to focus on the family during those episodes, but the show just isn't as good at social commentary as are other cartoons like South Park. Another concern is that a lot of cartoons struggle to expand beyond the (30) minute format and the movies become less of a movie than three episodes pieced together very loosely (see the Family Guy DVD-movie, and I'm a little worried about what will happen with Futurama's DVD-movies). And, much to my worry, the movie was clearly social commentary from the start.
But, you know what? They pulled it off. It was a very, very good movie. I laughed non-stop, there were great one-liners, and there were great gags that were dragged out without becoming over-used. And, most importantly, the movie was about the family and how the family interacted. It got back to what made the show so great, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It really felt like I was watching an actual movie, too, not just three half-hour episodes scrabbled together to get to (90) minutes. A couple of the scenes were a little slow and not that funny, but the movie stayed funny and maintained for the entire 90 plus minutes. There was also a pretty decent message and Tom Hanks, the only star with a cameo, was used in a way that the guest-stars were used originally. While his part was small, he was used in a way that helped move the story along, he didn't just show up to show up (as was common in seasons 9-12, Mike Scully).
The writers and producers had big, big expectations. There was so much hype and pressure to deliver, and they pulled together and did it. The movie was a continuation of what made the show such a big hit. My advice is to go see it. RIGHT NOW!!!

It's All Your Fault (Most of the Time)

2007-07-26T10:00:00.000-05:00

First, this is a little rough and unedited, I wanted to get the full rant experience going, so I apologize for the spelling errors and the grammar problems. Second, strap yourself in and feel the cheese!!!

This post is for da ladies out there.
Have you ever wondered why men cheat on their women? Do you ever wonder why men just can't seem to commit? Do you ever wonder why men just can't control themselves and have to, just have to, betray you? Well, for some reason, AngryMan has, and he's got an answer that might surprise you.
IT'S BECAUSE OF YOU, WOMEN!
That's right, it's your fault, most of the time. OK, sometimes, a man is just a compulsive cheater. This doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love, it just means he doesn't want to have sex only with you, or with you at all. Which kind of makes you wonder why the hell he went through the throuble of marrying you in the first place, right? Well, that's not the point of this post, the point is that, aside from exceptional circumstances, women are the reason that men cheat.
What causes this, you ask? What about me drives my man so crazy that he feels compelled to cheat on me? It's simple, it's your constant attempt to change men, to remake them in your own image. You are not God, and plenty of other women have vaginas and breasts, so you are not that unique. It is this nit-picking and nagging that drive men crazy and ultimately drive them away.
Let me give you an example. Two of my women friends from law school are working in the same town as me and we decided to get together for lunch. The women wanted to go to an Indian place, but I didn't want to because I don't like Indian food. This prompted the women to tell me to broaden my horizons and try new things. I explained that I've had Indian food before and don't particularly care for it. I mean, curry sucks, dude! This led to some additional nagging about a future trip to the Indian place without me and how I only like hamburgers.
FIRST, Indian food sucks. Sorry, but it does. If you like it or don't like it, that's fine, but I'm not going to take the time to try to convince you of something else. SECOND, what's wrong with liking hamburgers? You gotta be really stupid to fuck up a hamburger, and if you got a good thing going, why mess it up?
But what's worse than a woman sticking her claws in you, cutting you up, and trying to remake you is hypocriscy from that same woman. For example, during lunch I mentioned what a great show The 4400 is. The women flat-out rejected watching it because it is a science-fiction show. Whoa, what happened to all the "broaden your horizon" talk? Sounds all warm and fuzzy until you gotta get of your sperm-intake hole and actually put your theories to practice, huh? Well, I think that's bullshit. I mean, Wifey is always wanting to travel places and I'm always saying I don't like to travel. You don't see me going around telling people to travel places, do you? NO, because I'm not a woman and I'm not a hypocrite.
So, next time your man fools around, unless he's a compulsive cheater, maybe you shouldn't have made him go eat Indian food. Think about, I haven't.

R.I.P.

2007-07-24T17:55:00.000-05:00

This is a pretty sad story.

Mike Coolbaugh was a 35 year-old minor league coach who took a foul ball to the head. As a result, he's no longer living on this side, and he left behind a pregnant wife and two kids. I've never really thought about how base coaches should have to wear helmets because I grew up with base coaches who just wore hats. The thought just never crossed my mind. For a long time, though, I've thought that some sort of fence should be but up along the baseline seats given the dangers of busted bats and sharply hit foul balls. I'm not one who overreacts to situations, I like to calmly think things out before rushing to judgment, but maybe it's time that all base coaches wear helmets? I think so.
I hope that his family is all right and can get through this. It's always sad to think about a kid growing up without a dad or any parent.
Hope this didn't bum you out too much.

Your Words Mean Nothing!

2007-07-22T07:48:00.000-05:00

First, I've added Hill-TV to the blog roll. Murk's got it up and running again. And now, the story.

A couple weekends ago, The Big Lebowski was circulating on a couple TV channels. I watched parts of it, and then Wifey went out and rented it for us. It wasn't as good as the first time I watched it, but I still enjoyed myself. Especially when John Turturro was doing his "The Jesus" character. "Nobody fucks with The Jesus!" I love it, I love it.
While watching the movie, I noticed that The Dude frequently drank White Russians. I thought this was particularly interesting. It is kind of a girly drink given that it has Kahlua in it, but he pulled off drinking them without appearing very girly. The fact that he ordered White Russians also didn't seem girly, it seemed very natural. This started a long argument with co-workers about whether White Russians are girly. I agreed that they are probably girl drinks, but that a guy would be safer ordering White Russians than Appletinis and the like.
The I remembered that when I first started working as a bartender after college, I made a good number of White Russians. In order to be a better bartender, I bought some liquor and mixing stuff to practice at home (I know, it was just an excuse to fuel my latent alcoholism). Since White Russians are particularly idiot-proof, I started out making those. Wifey and I enjoyed them and used to drink them somewhat regularly, but then my burboun-fix took over. Inspired by The Dude, I decided to reconnect with my roots and, since I get home after the liquor stores close, Wifey went out and got Kahlua, cheap vodka, and cream. She got some chocolate milk for herself, too.
I made myself a White Russian and made her a Kahlua with a hint of vodka and a lot of chocolate milk. You can call me a pussy, you can call me girly, you can make fun of me for it, but I won't apologize. I like White Russians:

If it makes me girly, so be it. I got no problem liking White Russians.

Victory Was Mine!

2007-07-21T07:01:00.000-05:00

I'm third-year practice certified, which means that I can practice law under the supervision of a licensed attorney. Last Monday, I was given the opportunity to argue a motion to compel. We wanted the plaintiff to undergo a medical test with our medical expert. You see, he said that our client gave him asthma, but he lacked one important thing, EVIDENCE! He took several asthma tests with his doctor, and only one showed the presence of asthma. Given that this is a test you can easily fake, we asked that he take it again. He refused, so we went to court to compel him to do so.
I spent about ten hours prepping to argue for about three minutes. I told the Judge the relevant facts, got a little nervous about half-way through, apologized to the Judge for being nervous and stumbling over a few words, and then finished. The plaintiff's attorney started up with a bunch of shit, which I responded to by pointing out he had no evidence to back up his allegations -- he shut the fuck up (but then he started blabbing again the first chance that he got, douche).
The Judge ordered the plaintiff to undergo the test with our expert or, if he chose not to, he would have that part stricken from his claim. That's right, AngryMan got everything he asked for and WON THE MOTION! AngryMan is undefeated, baby! The perfect season! The championship, all mine!!!
Because of my victory, I've decided to retire from the practice of law undefeated and go back to the sign business. Wifey's a little angry given that I'm walking away from a law firm that, if I get an offer, will pay me $76,000 starting out to take a job that was paying me $25,000 when I left. She doesn't think that we'll be able to pay off my nearly $40,000 in student loan debt. Her blood pressure is about 240/150, but that's her problem, always fretting over the details. You gotta breathe deep and take it easy once in a while.

My Neck Ain't That Red

2007-07-15T11:17:00.001-05:00

I've been working for a law firm for about (2) months. We've had a couple of social events that I had to go to because, well, I want to get an offer and it doesn't pay not to go those things. My most recent experience with a law firm event was yesterday evening in wonderful (CLASSIFIED), Virginia. Now, I'm sure you're all thinking that I went to a nice restaurant, a winery tour, or a party at one of the equity partner's home. Well, you're all wrong, I went to a stock car race.
Yes, AngryMan went to a race.
This wasn't an actual firm event, one of the attorneys got some tickets through one of his clients and all three of the summer associates were invited, myself included. It's hard to say "no" to any event when you are a summer associate. You want to make a good impression, you want to appear to be up for doing things, and you want to appear like you'll be a good associate. It's very stressful, I mean it's a three-month job interview that I'm currently going through. And while I really enjoy the events that I go to, it's tough, too. You can't let your guard down, you always have to be on point. It's very, very difficult and very, very stressful. The other two summer associates and I just want to hear something one way or another so that we'll know whether we have to start the interview process again. We won't hear from the firm for about 2-4 weeks after we finish up for the summer, which is August 10th or so. That's a long time to wait, and it doesn't reduce the stress level at all. It's particularly frustrating because I like the firm I'm working with a lot, I like the work and I like the people, and I want to hear one way or another as soon as possible.
But, anyway, back to the race. It wasn't terrible, it wasn't awful, but you can only watch cars turn left for so long before the thrill is gone. Wifey and I picked out a car and pulled for that guy, which made it somewhat entertaining. He ended up in fourth place last night, so it was pretty cool. The only time that I would get really excited was when it looked like an accident was about to happen, but that didn't seem to be that common. I will say one thing, though, it's kind of cool to watch some car going insanely fast bump another car to speed around it. But, again, that doesn't happen that much, so it's hard to stay excited for long periods of time.
I don't see myself going back to one any time soon. I know I wouldn't pay to go to one, but I'd probably go to another for free. Lame on my part? Most certainly.
But, I shouldn't make it seem all bad. Had it not been for the two-hour drive to (CLASSIFIED) and the two-hour drive back, I probably would have enjoyed it a lot more. Also, had Wifey not come, I could have enjoyed the best part of the race:

OK, let me clarify, no chicks that were remotely this attractive were at the race. However, the number of trashy, redneck, blonde chicks was unbelievable. I mean, they were everywhere you turned and they all had a tramp stamp or two. Again, they weren't that attractive, but the stamp is a bold statement about what you are willing to let happen to you one night.

What Happened to Fact-Checkers?

2007-07-12T19:38:00.001-05:00

A while back, Phoebe Fay had a post about Bruce Campbell. Yes, the Bruce Campbell from Army of Darkness. Joey mentioned that he was also Brisco County, Jr., which got me thinking about that show. I remember being mildly entertained by a little bit of it as a kid, but not much more than that. So, for some stupid reason, I decided I'd get the episodes and would watch it.
I can't believe how fucking awful the show was. Allegedly, Mr. County, Jr. is a lawyer. Allegedly, he went to Harvard. And early in the pilot he gets in some legal trouble and is facing (60) days in jail. The judge is all set to sentence him, but then Counselor County, Jr. mentions that he has a motion before the court. He says that he is entitled to a jury trial, which the judge says that he is too busy for. This prompts Counselor County, Jr. to state that the Constitution requires it, no matter how busy he is. The judge, deciding that he doesn't want to waste time, dismisses the case.
HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE!!!
Sixty days in jail does NOT, repeat, NOT entitle you to a jury trial! How hard would it have been to look up Duncan v. Louisiana, 391 U.S. 145 (1968)? How hard would it have been to read that case? How hard would it have been to learn that you only are constitutionally entitled to a jury trial when you are facing a crime with a penalty of more than SIX MONTHS? This brings me to another problem, the fact that the government didn't even bother to read County, Jr. what he was charged with, which violates his Due Process rights. He didn't let him cross-examine the government's witness, a clear violation of his Confrontation Clause rights, it was terrible.
You know, it's pretty sad when a TV show whose man character is a lawyer can't take the time to check some legal facts. Total bullshit. I mean, what the fuck is this world coming to?

A Little Review

2007-07-09T07:43:00.000-05:00

Has anyone heard of this author before? This book looks amazingly good, by which I mean the cover looks amazingly good and will spend some alone time with me later. I've never heard of this author before, not once, but I'm definitely going to try to track down some of her books.
This only brings me to the problem of how to get my hands said books. I don't want to buy -- I'm trying to cut down on my expenses. I know that I won't be able to get it from the local library because it has an aversion to quality books, so I'll have no choice but to rely on interlibrary loan ("ILL"). But that doesn't work so well because the neighboring libraries also have crappy selections. This results in me not being able to read the books that I want when I want.
Let me give you an example of my problem. A long time ago in a space-time continuum far, far away, I read John Swartzwelder's first novel, The Time Machine Did It. For those of you who don't know who Swartzwelder is, you must have been living on Mars, in a cave, with your eyes closed and your fingers stuck in your ears for the last 18 years. He's one of the greatest Simpson's writers of all-time, and the episodes he's written are tops on most any fan's list. But, I digress. The novel was excellent and it was very, very funny. I had to get it through ILL from my school's library, but when I tried to get his second novel the same way, no sister libraries had it. Well, shit, that leaves me with my local government-run library (NOPE!), which has forced me to turn to buying the book. That won't happen because I would have to buy it new, which I won't do. The used book store in town blows and doesn't have anything awesome, so I didn't waste my time.
So, here I am thinking about how the Swarzwelder-scenario will repeat itself again and I won't be able to get the book I want. But then good ole reliable Wifey found out about these Netflix-type sites for books. I haven't used them yet because I have no idea how good any of these sites are. Have any of you guys used any of these sites before? Do you have services that you would recommend? Thanks for your input.
Oh, and this post was my 201st, the last one being my 200th. Congrats to me! I'm still truckin'!

You Thought I'd Say What?

2007-07-07T16:49:00.000-05:00

I know that this might come as a shock to you, but I actually think that Bush commuting the sentence of Scooter Libby is a good thing. Let me explain why.
First, while Bush has long been an opponent of commuting death sentences and used the death penalty to his political advantage, this is an unique situation that required action. You see, had Bush let Libby rot in prison for 2.5 years, Libby would have been ALIVE, presumably, at the end of his sentence. This would have allowed Libby to badmouth President Bush and tell a whole bunch of secrets about him. And that wouldn't have been good, not at all. Now, had Libby been facing a death sentence, Bush should have bided his time and let Libby get executed. I mean, what the hell is Libby going to do get back at Bush after he's been executed, die some more? Brilliant move by Bush, really.
The timing is also excellent. Libby didn't have to do one day of jail. This is great for several reasons, but basically because Libby doesn't have to bother with appealing. NO ONE likes appeals. Judges don't like them, most judges are lazy. Attorneys don't like them because it involves putting a transcript together and writing a brief and finding errors, and, well, that's just a hell of a lot of work. And attorneys aren't paid to do that. Well, they are, put it's annoying. Then the habeas appeals kick in and it's even worse. You have to go back and reinvestigate the job that the initial attorney did and you probably will have to criticize the moron, and that's just no fun.
Now, I know that some of you are going to point out Bush's potential hypocrisy given his earlier statement about the death penalty and his aversion to using his clemency powers:
I don't believe my role is to replace the verdict of a jury with my own.
Well, if you make that point, you're just an idiot. You have to keep comments in context. Bush was talking about the DEATH PENALTY, and not a run-of-the-mill FELONY. Again, the death penalty isn't that important. I mean, the guy dies at the end. But with a regular jail sentence, the guy is going to live for a while after the sentence, and if the guy's going to live, you don't want him losing that time of his life. To just stand by and let that guy lose two years of his life would just be cruel. But what's the guy facing the death penalty going to lose? I mean, every day through the appeals process is a gift for him, so why should Bush give him clemency or commute the sentence. The happiness of getting to live another day should never be taken away, and Bush has always been kind enough not to. That Bush, what a guy!!!
Another point is that Bush didn't replace a JURY verdict with his judgment, he replaced that of a crazy judge who followed, but did not exceed, the sentencing guidelines. Again, that's an important distinction that you careless readers didn't pick up on. Bush should be more cautious about letting the decisions of judges stand without a thorough review, too. Federal judges are not elected by the people and are not accountable to the people, they are appointed for life and their compensation cannot be decreased. This is not what democracy is about. Democracy is about juries. Yes, juries. Juries are chosen in a very democratic fashion. First, a computer pulls out a bunch of names from a database, then the JUDGE checks to see if there is any reason why they should be disqualified, then an unelected prosecutor and an unelected defense attorney chip away at the jury pool until the jury gets down to twelve people. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a democracy, regular people choosing the jury.
This elaborate system is much more democratic than choosing a judge. First, a democratically elected President nominates the judge, then democratically elected Senators approve that nomination. Much less democratic and much more like an oligarchy than selecting a jury.
And I know that some of you will point out that Bush should use this stringent review when dealing with any death penalty imposed by a judge as opposed to a jury. WRONG!!! State judges are almost always democratically elected. But what about when an unelected federal judge imposes the death penalty? Stop asking question, doofus! The government is tapping the phones! RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!!!

What Makes Someone Heroic?

2007-07-01T18:03:00.000-05:00

I'm interested in an unusual topic. I've been thinking about legends, about hero stories, about the common threads one finds in religious tales. We see those themes play out in modern life in our sports heroes, our favorite films, our favorite books; everywhere you can find a hero, you can see people look for the common threads that we've been obsessed with since the dawn of the ability to communicate beyond grunts (which kind of makes me think that we've lost something along the way. I mean, I could deal with a grunting nag a lot more than I could with a talking nag).
So, what I want to hear all your theories on what makes someone a hero. To try to give you all some guidance on what makes someone a hero, please consider the following:
1) OJ Simpson
This is pretty obvious, he got away with murder.
2) Eric Foreman
Dude's getting it on with Donna Pinciotti, 'nough said. It's kind of like the Shemp Factor.
3) The Creator of Cavemen the Series
This dude got a shit-ton of money to take an overdone TV commercial and make it into a show that will no doubt suck. God bless you, ABC, for your never-ending string of bad decisions.
4) Golfers
People are under the illusion that these guys are athletes, which allows them to get super-hot wives. Totally unfair for the rest of us.
5) Cash
No opposable thumbs and is somehow able to blog. Pretty impressive.

Oh, and I WILL have a post on Bush's concern for the abuses of a liberal judiciary gone to pot that frequently abuses its sentencing discretion. I just want to make sure it's a good one.

In Desperate Need

2007-06-30T08:17:00.000-05:00

Of massive scientific developments.

I have a two-hour commute to my job. Every Monday through Friday, I drive an hour to work and an hour back from work. I drive south, then I drive north. South, then north. It's kind of boring, but not that bad, until I come into contact with the trucks. They are slow, they try to pass other trucks while going uphill, they tailgate a little too closely, and they generally piss me off.
So, while driving into work one morning, it occurred to me that it would be really cool if I could make them disappear. You see, I was listening to NPR (at that point of the drive, I'd usually listen to ESPNRadio, but it wasn't coming in for some reason) and there was some story about books to read over the summer. All the books were for young adult books and the only thing that I remember was a line from one of the books that involved something called a "TIME TORNADO."
Now, I don't know what a "TIME TORNADO" is, but I quickly realized that such a thing could come in handy. Imagine if you had the ability to create a "TIME TORNADO," target it at a truck (or some other obnoxious thing), and happily watch as it is cast into an unknown and strange land.
Personally, I wouldn't want to send one into the past or the future, I mean, it'd be pretty easy for the trucker to figure out where he is. I'd send the guy into another universe! He'd be in an alternate dimension with all sorts of bizarre shit (like people walking on their hands and being eaten by hamburgers) that would just throw him for a fucking loop.
Any ideas on where you would send your petty annoyances?
Oh, and FYI, I didn't read that book that I linked. In fact, I've never heard of it. But if anyone has, congratufuckinglations.

Make Up Yer Mind Already!

2007-06-24T16:45:00.000-05:00

So, the last time I updated my blog roll, I junked the link to Hill-TV/Dr. Murk as he had finally died. I replaced the link with a link to that of his alleged killer, Christopher Morris. Despite the fact that the entire world rejoiced at Murk's passing, it turned out that he may, in fact, be alive. His ongoing existence was later confirmed when ROYTERS intelligence received notice of Dr. Murk's Brave New Blog. This, of course, means that I once again have to update my blog roll.
Christopher Morris now has his own link, which is titled, um, geez, "Christopher Morris." Sorry I couldn't be more creative, but so it goes. Dr. Murk's Brave New World will simply be taking over the link currently occupied by Christopher Morris, "Dr. Murk is Dead, Long Live the Murk!!!". I've moved each up above the link to S-Q, and I've made other minor alterations to the blog roll, which includes bumping up former regular blogger, Tom Serafini, up from last place. He's recently started blogging again, and I hope that he'll once again become a regular contributor. I miss his wonderful comments and his inability to make use of HTML when bringing websites to our attention.
Hill-TV doesn't have its own link yet, as it is my understanding that the website is under construction. Once that construction is complete, I will update my blog roll once again. And if something happens to Christopher Morris or Dr. Murk in the intervening time, I will go fucking postal. No, really, I will join the Postal Service. I hear that they have a good retirement program.

My New Toy

2007-06-23T11:44:00.000-05:00

Wifey finally came through and did something worth a damn. She bought me an Olympus Digital Voice Recorder. I realized that I needed one sometime back so that I wouldn't have to constantly be making use of pens and random sheets of paper to keep track of my ideas and legal theories that I needed for class. You see, last year when I was working for a Judge, I would always come up with brilliant ideas during my hour drive to work, and then the hour drive back. The hard part was trying to write down my ideas while I was driving, which just didn't work out that well.
This, of course, won't be a problem any more with my new toy.
However, now that I have one, I'm not making use of it the way that I planned. I mean, I come up with legal ideas and all, but I'm having a whole lot more fun using the voice recorder for random things. For example, here's the first recording that I made:
"I could really go for a ham sandwich PERIOD Wifey COMMA why don't you get on that COMMA huh QUESTION MARK"
After a few minutes of waiting, the ham sandwich hadn't arrived, so I recorded this and then gave it to Wifey to type up into a letter:
"Where the hell is my sandwich QUESTION MARK"
After I finally got my sandwich, I recorded the following and gave it to Wifey:
"Wifey COMMA I'd really COMMA really COMMA like to have sex PERIOD Would you mind throwing yourself on your back and letting me climb on top of you QUESTION MARK"
After about a thirty second break, I came back to the recorder:
"Frankly COMMA Wifey COMMA I've had better than that PERIOD I mean COMMA you didn't even pretend to get into . . ."
I remember something making contact with my head, and I remember waking up about eight hours later. The house was totally empty. Wifey was gone, the food was gone, one of our automobiles was gone, even the dog was gone. This, of course, prompted me to check my digital voice recorder. Wifey left a message:
"D-I-V-O-R-C-E PERIOD"
Um, is anyone out there a secretary who can help me out?

The New 7 Wonders of the World!

2007-06-19T19:52:00.000-05:00

Well, apparently the world has decided to take a vote on the seven wonders of the modern world. Yeah, letting regular people vote on it is a great idea. I'm guessing we'll end up with Paris Hilton and Britney Spears on the list.
But anyway, this got me thinking. What are the seven wonders of the modern world? Here's my list:
1) The Redwood Forest
2) The Bottomless Pit
3) The Roundabouts
4) The International Space Station
The international space station is an amazing accomplishment. What did you think I was going to put, this? OK, well, I'm not going to put anything there. I couldn't think of anything good.
5) Dollywood
6) Increased International Tolerance
7) A Day At The Beach

What are your thoughts? Not that I really give a shit.

MLB Umps Suck

2007-06-19T09:54:00.000-05:00

This post involved an MLB game from 6/9, but I never got to posting it. It's a filler until I get my other post finished. ENJOY!!! Oh, and FYI, I've seen a lot more shitty umps lately. They've been throwing people out for complaining from the dugout. It's bull-jive, BULL-JIVE, I say!!!

I've fucking had it with MLB umpires. They are fucking awful. I know that they want respect from the players and the managers, but there is a right way and a wrong way to go about it. Allow me to explain.
The games is about the players executing the fundamentals. It's about moving a runner over with one out, it's about breaking up a double-play with a hard slide into second, it's about diving for a grounder to keep a runner at third from going home, it's about little things, it's about the players. It is NOT, repeat, NOT about the umpires.
But someone needs to tell the umpires that.
Managers can't even really argue calls anymore. As soon as they get out of the dugout and unload one profanity (which is traditional in the sport), they get kicked out. Now, you may say that the manager shouldn't be swearing (which is stupid because every manager swears in just about every sport, see the NFL, NBA, etc.), but if that is the case, then the umpires shouldn't swear back. The umps swear jut as much as the managers when the managers argue a call. And it isn't just when the managers really unload on the umps that the umps fuck up and make it about themselves.
I've seen countless examples a manager or a player saying something along the lines of, "Man, that ain't a good call," which will prompt the ump to tell the player/manager to shut his mouth and play the game. The player can't say anything! Hell, during the Seventh Inning Stretch of a Cubs game about four years ago, the guest conductor said that the strike zone was bad over the PA system and the ump threw him out. The major problem with that is that the ump has so much control over the game in baseball through how he calls the strike zone that the ump ought to be open a little more questions or complaints than in other sports. Take some fucking criticism! And the worst part about it is that the umps make it worse by responding. If they just kept their mouths shut or actually talked to the manager or player instead of yelling, then it would go away. The ump could say to the manager, "OK, OK, calm down and we'll talk about it. Tell me what you say just calm down." But they jump right into the profanity and then bitch about the manager losing control.
Last night was probably the worst example of Bush League Umpire-ing that I've seen. The Cubs were playing the Braves and Tim Hudson threw at Alfonso Soriano on the first pitch and plunked him. The ump issued a warning. After Soriano popped out on his next at-bat, Soriano ran behind Hudson and exchanged some words. The ump started yelling at Soriano and at Gerald Perry, the Cubs hitting coach, to keep their mouths shut. Well, you know what, ump? That all would have been taken care of had you allowed the Cubs pitcher to throw back at the Braves. But no, you wouldn't let the players control the games themselves, you made the game about you. Later, another Braves pitcher hit another Cubs batter and the pitcher wasn't tossed. Pinella, the Cubs manager, puts his arm up in the air to protest (but doesn't really say anything) and the ump starts yelling at Pinella to put his arms down. Pinella's not even showing him up! That's shitty, Pinella wasn't doing anything.
I hate it when umps in any sport take control to the extent that it results in the game being about the officials. That's not why I came to see the game, I came to see the players play, not the umps be tools. I hope that MLB will wake up, see the problem, and do something about it.

JUSTIFY YOUR EXISTENCE!!!

2007-06-16T13:34:00.000-05:00

Can someone explain why men have to wear ties? I mean, really, what the fuck is the point of a tie? Does it keep your shirt together? No, we have buttons to do that. Does it help you hold your pants up? Nope, that's what we have belts, buttons, and suspenders for. Can a tie do anything other than strangle the hooker you bought? NO!!!
I hate ties, I fucking hate them! Wearing a suit is bad enough, but having to hamper your ability to breathe by putting on a fucking tie is just too much. And the worst part about having to wear a tie is that women have outsmarted us and ditched the tie. If women are smart enough to ditch the tie, then men should realize that ties are completely useless. Really, women have the most useless fucking clothing accessories. For example, women wear:
1) Toe rings
2) Anklets
3) Bracelets
4) Necklaces
5) Clothes with no pockets
6) Rings (except for wedding rings, they put people on notice)
7) High-heeled shoes
8) Etc.
BUT NO FUCKING TIES!!! And do you know why? Because ties DON'T DO ANYTHING except make you go through the trouble of matching one more thing together. OK, OK, Wifey has pointed out that ties do point to your package. But do you need a tie for that? I mean, you can just stuff a little bit and you won't need the tie to point out your package.
C'mon, men, let's get with the times and get rid of the ties. It's time that we all move on to bigger and better things. Like wearing a shirt without having to button the top button. It's time, people, it's time.

I Gave Up

2007-06-14T19:55:00.000-05:00

On the Gormenghast Novels. I'm going to start up another novel soon, I just couldn't get into the Gormenghast Novels at all. Too slow, not enough plot.

I Was Lied To

2007-06-10T14:21:00.000-05:00

I just finished reading Joseph Conrad's The Secret Agent. I expected a lot from the novel. First, Joseph Conrad is considered to be a master author, which is why just about every school kid has to read Heart of Darkness. Second, this novel inspired Ted Kaczynski, so it would be kind of cool to read to know what made the guy tick.
Man, did that book suck! Well, OK, it wasn't completely awful, but 2/3 of the book stunk. I liked the end, but it drug on and on forever. SUM UP, CONRAD!!! I don't feel like I would have missed anything by not reading which is how I normally judge a book.
But really disappointed me most about this was that I was lied to by an historian. How? Well, this historian (whose name I can't remember) wrote an excellent history of Poland in which he argued that Poland has an underrated literary tradition. He talked about how good Conrad's works are, which I now don't believe to be true given how generally crappy The Secret Agent was. So, thanks for being a lying turd, historian.
The rest of Poland's authors and poets probably suck ass, too. In fact, I think that the only great Polish author is Joey Polanski. 700 years of being a country and all you do is produce Joey, WOO-HOO! So, salut, Poland, salut!!!

There Is Not, Repeat NOT A Double-Standard

2007-06-07T17:35:00.000-05:00

Yep, it's true. If a black Major League Baseball Player says something that is racist, he will be treated just like a white Major League Baseball Player who says something racist. Equal treatment, baby, gotta love it!
Oh, wait, Sheffield hasn't been suspended? Um, well, uh, eh, I'm sure there's a good reason!

I Need Some Help Again

2007-06-02T14:15:00.000-05:00

Sci-Fi, in its ongoing attempt to ruin good programming, has not yet decided whether to renew The Dresden Files. I'll be the first to admit that the show started out slowly, but the last five episodes were really, really good. The show hit its stride and I can't wait to see next season. The rapport between Murphy and Dresden developed into something very special, ala Ben Browder and Claudia Black from Farscape -- a show that Sci-Fi foolishly canned after four superb seasons.
Sci-Fi's decision-making has gotten so suspect that it almost let Battlestar Galactica go the way of Farscape after this season. Let's just analyze that almost idiotic decision. I've got a great idea, says a Sci-Fi executive, We'll cancel a smart, intelligent, and sexy show so that we can produce more crappy TV movies like Lake Placid 2. I agree, says another Sci-Fi executive, Who wants good television when you can watch crappy made-for-TV movies? Brilliant!
What the hell is Sci-Fi thinking? I mean, why even bring good shows on if you are just going to can the shows after a few seasons? I just don't fucking understand it. So, I'm asking you to please go to this site and sign the petition to save The Dresden Files (at least for another season). Also, the site has a link to Sci-Fi's snail mail address, and if you have the time, please send Sci-Fi a letter.
Thanks, guys!